What does it mean to be a girl? A woman? A wife? A mother?
Growing up in the early 2000’s, I saw a lot very pink, very princess, and very girly images surrounding me. Whether I was aware of it at the time or not, I was influenced to be petite and girly and squeaky by iconic brands. As my childhood became adolescence, I realized that what seemed to be the thing to do as a woman was to go to college and then work. Though I never felt compelled to stay out of the workforce, seeing this contemporary transition from the stay-at-home mother to the working wife conflicted what I thought girls and women were “supposed to do.”
The women in the public sphere were now called independent, brave, girl-boss, breadwinner, and strong leaders. I watched and internalized this. I wanted to make my own money, be my own boss, own my home, and be an independent woman. There’s nothing wrong with this, in fact I have every intention to be that. However, it comes from a personal drive to do something that can contribute positively to society, not from fear of being left behind by my spouse. My motivation to be educated is also not supported by concerns of having a career as a safety net, which seems to be a common occurrence among trad wives.
Now that I am an independent and strong woman, there’s been a shift. Though this is not a return to the comfort or necessity of stay-at-home mothers, the traditional wife, it’s a hyperfeminine and hyper traditional caricature of what used to be the norm. Plenty of women who were once pursuing an education or were secure in a career as the working wife, traded it for the trad wife life once it became sensationalized on social media. The trad wife lifestyle is suddenly expected of women. Quit your job. Drop out of school. Marry me. Have a child. Be the pristine parent and wife. Meet every need before it gets voiced. Make bread from scratch, make soup from scratch, make everything from its basic ingredients. Actually, no, start a farm with chickens and vegetables. Let’s homestead and make butter!
This sharp change is undoubtedly inspired by social media, particularly TikTok, where trends and micro-trends (as if a fad could die any faster!) are cycled in and out like they’re being pushed by a revolving door. Most everyone wants to fit into society and follow what’s normal, so it’s hardly surprising that so many people followed this bandwagon of becoming the next “lobotomized mom” with all white interiors and furniture that children never stain or damage.
After removing myself and my frustrations about meeting these new unrealistic expectations, it’s evident that the “trad wife” is a result from “alpha” or “dominant” men and a response to the working wife. This aesthetic is fabricated, and if you’ve seen it online, think about how many times you’ve seen these trad wives do essential domestic labor. It makes sense that the trad wife phenomenon is only possible with the aid of cleaning services or nannies. The trad wife often times revolves around child rearing, but motherhood, especially a stay-at-home mother, is messy and overwhelming. The true mom aesthetic is about painted hands on a canvas, yearbook pictures framed on a shelf, and the hand-picked bouquet of flowers from the yard that your small child put together.
For a few weeks, when the trad wife trend was all over my social media, I genuinely considered if I was on the right path. Was I meant to be a mother more than I am drawn to my education? What would happen if I spent more time at my job instead of with my family at home? Should I learn new recipes so that my future husband doesn’t have to worry about cooking? I thought I was meant to be independent, but maybe I am just that little girl who used to enjoy pink shows and bows! Before changing my lifestyle and what I dream my future to be, I have to think about whether that’s a position I can prosper from in every way that matters! I can be a woman and hold onto my girlhood without giving into the trend of trad wife.