I am prone to shrinking. Maybe it’s just the way I am, maybe it was learned, or perhaps a bit of both, but making myself smaller and “easier to take in” for the happiness of others is one of my worst flaws. For the majority of my life, I would automatically stir in my loved one’s needs, moods, hobbies, and desires into my own image, as if I was cooking a big pot of personality-soup for the sole purpose of being enjoyed by them. I, along with many others, have struggled with people-pleasing to a point where it has affected my sense of self. For any others who have felt like they exist for the enjoyment of the people around them, this article is for you.
One thing that made me realize that I default to people-pleasing tendencies was taking the Enneagram personality test. I am a Type 2, also known as “The Helper”; selfless, flattering, and warm-hearted. All good things, right? Well, they are, until you become dependent on these qualities to “earn” your self worth from others. In other words, their approval is the prize, and your actions/traits are your attempts to win it. Sadly, Enneagram type 2’s are also known as “The Servant” and often give up their time, energy, and needs for the well-being of others. While selflessness is an admirable trait, there needs to be an understanding of when helping turns into pleasing, and when being a good friend turns into being taken advantage of. Eventually, I realized that the pot of soup I was turning my personality into tasted great to others, but awful to me.
It is sometimes difficult to distinguish whether your relationships with others are happy because they are healthy and altruistic on both sides, or if the reason for its happiness is because the other party is pleased based on your efforts. It took me such a long time to tell the difference. And, because I was so used to altering who I was and how I acted in order to keep another person content, it took a lot of effort to start to hold back on this. But, it takes a certain amount of self respect to stop selling yourself short in striving to be the “perfect” friend, “perfect” girlfriend, or “perfect” daughter. Why would you diminish your thoughts, dreams, talents, and qualities into an edited pathway that leads directly to others liking you? Do others love you for you, or simply “enjoy” you for them?
This may be a lot to take in (especially for a casual HerCampus article), so I hope nobody is having a crisis right now. But, I do think this is such an important topic to talk about, as I see an insurmountable number of people– girls in particular– fall into the trap of dulling themselves down to mold into another person’s needs. Avoiding standing up to a friend to keep the peace, holding back ambition/strength so you won’t “intimidate” a male (because “no guy likes a girl who is sure of herself”, right?), or even reluctantly eating the wrong meal at a restaurant because you did not want to upset the waiter by sending it back, are all ways we please others to gain their approval. But, what is a life in which your only qualities are being “pleasant” and “likeable”? It is a life not worth your time, I will tell you that.
The first step in changing your people-pleasing tendencies is to become aware of them. It sounds simple enough, but it honestly takes a bit of hyper-focus to catch patterns of people-pleasing that have been present for a while. For example, I have made an effort to think a bit more before I say or type something. I take a few seconds to point out to myself if I am apologizing for something I did not do wrong, being overly gratuitous when it is not deserved, or over-explaining myself out of guilt. All of these patterns lead to you subconsciously putting yourself “below” the person you are speaking with, handing them the power in the conversation.
The next step is, simply put, living for yourself and only yourself. All of those projects and ideas and dreams that you are scared to jump into because others may not like them? Do them anyways. Dye your hair, make a youtube channel, delete your Instagram, cut off a friend, change your major–do what you want! I have met people who are afraid to wear dresses to school because they are nervous people will think they are “trying too hard” and will not like them, and I myself struggle with actions so small as taking the aux cord in the car with friends because if they don’t like what I play they may have less of a good time. These negative thought patterns are debilitating, usually irrational, and most importantly, hold you back from being who you want to be. Start small, and work up to the big changes you want to make with perseverance.
My last word of advice is that it is vital to realize that conflict will not kill you. For so many people (again, particularly those identifying as female), being in the midst of conflict, or even worse, starting conflict, sounds like a nightmare. While having harmonious relationships is ideal, how harmonious are they really if you are upset and feel as though you cannot make your hurt feel heard? Many people-pleasers quickly become “doormats” and put their valid feelings aside to keep the peace. Once you start being more assertive in your relationships, though, it becomes much easier to respectfully bring up issues and find solutions to them. This will strengthen your relationships and make you a stronger and more confident person as a whole.
For those who are on this journey (myself included, as I am far from perfect in this area), let this article be a reminder that you are valuable, strong, and deserving of love for the real you. As cliche as it sounds, don’t dim your light to make others feel bright or shrink yourself to make others feel tall. Fill your personality-soup with all your favorite ingredients. It may not be to everyone’s liking, but it will taste the best to you.