I’m only 21! Okay? That’s not old. Right? I am an advocate for age transparency (why would our teachers never answer the question?) but I don’t necessarily want to be treated as old. I would also hate to buy into the anti-aging narrative for women. Still, feeling old is jarring. Maybe because it brings on an existential crisis or maybe because aging is full of unknowns.
Still, I am not scared of aging. As far as I can tell, it’s something I look forward to. Aging is such a blessing! And, I’ve always wanted to be old sort-of. As a younger child in a big family, I idolized my older siblings. I think my whole generation did in a way (hence our obsession with the recent Y2K and early 2000s fashion resurgence.) But older siblings are moving targets. As I age, they do too.
All this looking up, and never looking forward, has had a few consequences. First, my neck hurts (another bone-chilling sign of aging). Second, I found myself completely shocked by my age. It really caught up to me. So, if you are in the same boat, read on for things that have made me feel old (maybe you’ve felt them too).
1) An obsession with slip-on shoes
I don’t want to bend down and tie my shoes anymore. Sure, I’ll run 13 miles, but I don’t want to tie my running shoes. It’s illogical, I know. This happened overnight. One day I just looked at all my sneakers and thought, “no.” I have been wearing Birkenstocks with socks to circumvent this minor inconvenience. The inhumanity! Fortunately, slip on shoes are having a moment (clogs anyone?) so I can successfully hide my laziness.
2) Getting a Drink
For the freshly 21-year-old (who did not co-opt a fake ID) this is wild. Unless there’s a tailgate or party, I forget that I even possess this capability. I walk past the spirits section of grocery stores with the same excluded feeling that a middle schooler has around cool teenagers. I could never. Then I remember that I can and a wave of existential dread hits me.
Not to over analyze, (Do any of us really over analyze, or is the act of analyzing intense and “over” in itself? Doesn’t analyze require a level of scrupulousness? Is the phrase “over analyze” redundant?) but I think feeling old is similar to feeling responsible or autonomous. We no longer look to someone else to help us. We look to ourselves. There is not even a need for support most of the time. While this is such a freeing feeling, it is an overwhelming one too!
3) Being addressed as “ma’am”
This may be unique to a northerner going South, but it is jarring nonetheless. Nothing quite stupefies me like a younger person calling me ma’am. No! Please! I’m young, like you! I appreciate the respect that comes along with a title, but this title hits a nerve with me. In the North, “ma’am” is a term for an older lady you do not know. “Miss” would be more appropriate for anyone without visible grays.
4) Wearing my backpack with a silly business casual outfit
I still spend most of my time being talked at by teachers, taking notes with highlighters I swear my parents bought for me, and sketching little flowers on the corners of my papers, so it always feels jarring to mix my subordinate student life with an authoritative outfit. I go from sweatpants and eight-year-old shoes to trousers and loafers. No matter what though, I top it all off with the same two-strap backpack. It just feels wrong. I start to feel too old to be wearing a backpack.
As college students, what are our other options? I know I could go for a different bag but they all seem impractical or look like I am trying too hard. Genuinely reach out to me if you have an answer to this problem.
5) Unfollowing people from high school
I never feel so risquĂ© as when I am unfollowing someone from high school. The ramifications seem so severe yet so tempting! What if they find out? What if they hate me? I’ll see a story post on Instagram, and like I am awaken from a trance, I am confronted by the idea, “I can unfollow them.” I owe them nothing! This post does not bring me joy, I shall unfollow. I’m like the Marie Kondo of unfollowing.
It feels so wrong! I start to wonder how I could be so old and so separate from that past high school life. I am old enough to have past lives. That thought is aging in itself.
Feeling young is a mindset
I read somewhere that mental age translates to health. You may avoid the increasing ills of old-age if you simply feel mentally younger. So, I suppose it would be sound advice to tell you, feel young. Let yourself enjoy life at whatever age and protect your feeling of youth. If I am feeling old at 21, a relatively young age, then it is clear that age is more than a number, but a feeling.
Tie your shoes. Let all the thrilling feelings of buying a drink never leave and try to have selective hearing when the title “ma’am” is tossed around!