As I am coming up to the last few weeks of sophomore year and getting closer to my 20th birthday, I have been reflecting on my life so far, and the experiences I’ve had along the way. To say I have learned a lot is an understatement, but there is still so much to learn and so many areas in which I would like to grow in my life.
I am, personally, a naturally happy person. I do all the things, practicing gratitude and appreciating the little things, but sometimes it’s hard to really grasp what I need to do to be genuinely joyful, rather than just content. Going through college is hard for a lot of us, and a lot of the time, it’s really lonely. Your friendships fail, you want your own space, you’re away from your family, homework and exams get harder and harder, but then you scroll through Instagram and see the opposite with your peers. They are having a blast at parties and are away for the weekends on fun adventures. Everyone else seems to be having so much fun, but you’re stuck in your room, studying for the homework, exams and essays you have to do this week.
This big spiral between making your family, friends, and most importantly yourself happy, is the inspiration for this article. Wanting so badly to fit in but feeling alone anyway is something real and stressful about college life, especially when I was an incoming freshman, and now that I’m having to figure out who my real friends are. Here are some tips I have learned and practiced that have genuinely really helped me. Disclaimer!!!! DO NOT put pressure on yourself to do these things. At the end of the day, this is what helps me. We are all different, and those differences are what make us unique. Just keep that in mind as you read through this today, and I hope this helps, even a little bit. :)
Number 1: Limiting Social Media Usage
The people that know me in real life reading this right now are like… Kailee, are you for real right now? This is so hypocritical of you. Yes, yes I know, but hear me out. A lot of amazing things have come out of social media, like the ability to contact your friends in new ways, no matter the distance apart, and getting the latest news about topics you’re interested in, just by scrolling through TikTok. That being said, it’s important, even for me, to know that social media has been perpetuating the narrative that we constantly need to know where everyone is at all times, and it’s become normalized to compare ourselves to other people. Especially since we have our entire lives on our own reality TV shows, we shape our ideas and mindsets towards other people’s opinions of us, putting our true happiness and self-acceptance on pause.
My current struggle with social media at the moment is Snapchat discovery posts. Some of that crap is WEIRD and I’m not sure if I can take watching another ‘5-minute crafts’ video without crawling into a hole, never to be seen again. That said, I get so angry, anxious and upset when those videos automatically come up on my feed because I know how damaging it is to my mental health and well-being. I feel stuck in this constant loop of nonsense that makes me feel like I wasted two hours of my day doing something that doesn’t even serve me as an escape from reality. Just makes me think about how messed up the world is, which doesn’t really help does it?
Taking the time to look around a little more, instead of at my phone, is very important to me, and instead of scrolling through social media right before bed, I just call my SO, read a book, and fall asleep. This practice has really helped me improve my sleep habits and mental stability because no matter how tempting and addicting that blue-light mini computer is, I can’t let it control my life anymore.
Number 2: Smiling at Other People on Campus
Facial expressions and body language are, in my opinion, two of the most important indicators of how someone is really feeling on the inside. Take a look at people around your campus. Look at their faces. Are they on their phones, are they walking with their shoulders slouched and looking at the floor, do they look puzzled, confused, concerned or sad? Or are they looking up at other people, smiling to themselves or the friend they are walking with? Do they hold their heads up, or are they even looking at you? These are some of the things I see as I try and read people’s energies, trying to tell if they want to smile back at me and acknowledge my existence. Honestly, getting smiled at and sending good vibes to the person passing you in the halls or on the sidewalk on your way to class is such a humanizing and validating experience. We, as college students, get so caught up in the nitty-gritty of things and, honestly, I think we take life too seriously sometimes.
You may be thinking, well I’m here to learn, why would I want to smile and say hi to a random stranger I’ll never see again? Or why would I smile at someone right now? I feel like crap, smell like crap, I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m outside; not in my bed at 7:45 in the morning. No one wants to talk to me anyways.
I’m recalling these thoughts because I have thought every single one of them, and I get it. I feel like crap sometimes too, but it’s the change of habits and mindset that is important. It will not happen overnight, but might just make you feel a little less crappy.
Let’s say you’re like the person above: you get up for your 8 a.m. exam, and you are rushing to make it there on time, not sure if you will even pass this exam because you were cramming the night before. Then, let’s say, someone looks up at you on their early morning walk, and smiles at you. How would that make you feel? Would you smile back? Because honestly, that would make me feel at ease and like everything is going to be ok. I might just feel slightly better because someone saw me for who I was and still chose to be kind. Someone sees my struggle, sees my messy hair and ‘Gucci eyebags’ from the night before, and still takes the time to smile at me. What a beautiful thing that is.
After people started smiling back at me when I smile at them, it makes me feel like I made their day, even just slightly. I mean, someone made mine by smiling at me, so what does that make me if I don’t start smiling too? :)
Number 3: GRATITUDE!
We can all probably think about one or two influencers that shaped our childhoods and taught us about “morning routines” and “how to make your life better with 5 easy steps!” (but it’s really not that simple, is it?). Gratitude, I feel, is overused as a “quick solution” and isn’t portrayed well in those types of tutorials.
Some of you, like me, joined the Bullet Journal train in the middle or beginning of your high school/college days. I remember one spread being about gratitude. Some of them were in list format, but some were in weird shapes, like the rays of the sun (I tried that and it was harder to keep track of than my school/internship work in high school). I digress, but those things are hard to take care of sometimes, and you don’t always have your bullet journal on you anyways (realistically).
So more realistically, your thoughts and attitudes are naturally packed into the backpack of your mind. I’ve found that taking time throughout the day to take a deep breath and think of at least one thing I like about where I am at has seemed to work better than a bullet journal. I’ve also appreciated: my friend’s cute new shoes she just got, the little ladybug that just whacked me in the face while walking down the street (yes… that happened), even appreciating my ability to walk, because some people can’t even do that, and it should be appreciated. Taking just two seconds to think about that ladybug and how funny it was that it came out of nowhere really helped me take control of my thoughts and feelings during the day.
Number 4: Laugh at Yourself
Funny story, but back during the snow season, close to the beginning of the semester, the roads were SO icy. So icy, in fact, that once we were back in school and I was walking to class, I ATE it in the middle of the road crossing the street to go to class. I was freaking out and I had no idea what to do. I even (admittedly) cried to my professor about it because I was so worried about getting there on time and was so stressed. Now, looking back, it was the funniest thing: why was I freaking out about being late and being embarrassed over all things? I was getting over a cold, my butt hurt and all these things were going on otherwise!
Taking the time to reflect on that moment, I learned that I had taken myself way too seriously. I really forgot that I was sick and my butt hurt because all I could think about was the embarrassment of falling and being late to class. Another good lesson learned is that forgiveness goes both ways. We are taught to forgive others and see the beauty in them, but what is so difficult about forgiving ourselves?
Number 5: Self-Acceptance and Self-Love
The concept of self-love has been really hard for me recently. For my whole life, I have often been seen as confident, well-dressed, outgoing, happy, and overall, a loving and kind person, but sometimes, that is a hard expectation to live up to. A friend of mine from high school, who is actually an influencer now (very on brand, I know) once asked me, “How are you so happy?” and that has really stuck with me. I was a little insecure around my constant optimism before she mentioned it, because no one around me was happy. This was in the middle of the second learning-cycle, when the pacific northwest was really dark and gloomy, but I was still confused as to why people weren’t happy. The naivete of that mindset faded in that moment, and I realized that, unlike myself, many people weren’t happy. I’m starting to believe now that they were just not happy with themselves and their self-image. Of course, there are so many factors that go into why someone may be feeling upset or unhappy, but what it comes down to is how we feel internally.
How we feel on the inside really shapes how we see other people, how we see the world, and how we interpret things. Like negative self-talk. If you tell yourself you look bad, even as a joke with your friends or your roommate in the morning, you won’t feel too great throughout the day, which has a domino effect, leading you to feel negatively towards others. As another example, you tell someone they won’t do well on an exam. Do you think they will use that as motivation? Probably not. Especially if you’re someone that means a lot to this person, it probably won’t help. They’ll probably start to think that you don’t think they’re very smart and they’ll do poorly on the exam.
You have feelings too, and sometimes we forget that. We actually have the capacity to hurt our own feelings with what we say about ourselves.
By loving yourself and accepting who you are, you’ll be able to switch your mindset into loving others. You know the saying, “You can’t love others until you love yourself”? It really likes to go in one ear and out the other sometimes, but reflect on your personal relationships. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll try to find love and respect from the wrong people.
By ignoring your own personal needs and what makes you truly happy, you won’t be able to do any of the things on this list. Social media will become your one source of acceptance from others if it hasn’t already. You won’t be able to show your smile and spread love to others if you don’t like your smile. You won’t be able to appreciate the little things if you don’t like the color of your eyes, or the scars on your body from the things its gone through. And you’ll neither be able to laugh nor forgive yourself for the things you judge yourself so harshly on.
Try looking at yourself in the mirror after reading this, and try to point out the little things you love about yourself. This was really hard for me when I first tried, but tell yourself how much you love you. Everything about you is meant to be loved, so love your body and mind for all the wonderful things they have done for you.
You, yes you… the reader, are loved in every way possible. There are people out there waiting to love you and take so much pleasure in loving you, but you won’t be able to be happy, truly happy, if your displeasure with yourself gets in the way. You may be like me, and love everything that life has to offer, but it is really hard to get out of the habit of overthinking and being unforgiving towards yourself. Like I said before, there is always room to grow and improve.
If no one else told you today, I love you, thank you for reading, and I am so unbelievably proud of you. Keep being you <3
-K