Middle school isn’t easy for anyone. It’s a time of immense change — physically, socially, and emotionally. I “graduated” eighth grade with my primary sentiment being, “Well, that was a trip but thank god I never have to do it again.” Except recently, I’ve been feeling a sense of déjà vu. I’m not sure if it’s some sort of “second puberty” or just the cyclical nature of life and the human experience, but I feel that college has really reaffirmed some of the same lessons that middle school taught me. Of course, my perspective now is different, and my frontal lobe is significantly more developed, but because college has also changed me physically, socially, and emotionally, some parallels have emerged.
1. It’s okay to not know what you want to do with your life quite yet.
In middle school, college was a thought I could scarcely even conceptualize. However, it slowly dawned on me that I’d soon need to choose some sort of direction for my life. The classes and extracurriculars I chose would help develop skills that would be important for college applications, which would determine any internship opportunities, which could affect my career for the next few decades. I could see it all snowballing, and it felt like a trap — one misstep, and I would find myself stuck in an unsuccessful, uninspiring 9-5. But in middle school, I was comforted by the thought that I still had time. There were still years for me to try new things, find what I liked, and change course if I needed to.
Even as an upperclassman this year, I have realized that that same comforting idea still applies. College is a time to experience a breadth of disciplines and activities in a safe environment. Furthermore, many of the professionals I have had the chance to network with are not in the fields they originally pursued. They changed their majors, pursued a graduate program, or even switched careers well into their post-graduate lives. In a nutshell, school is not a trap. It’s a chance to explore the things you are interested in, meet all kinds of people, and become a more well-rounded individual so that you acquire the skills, confidence, and connections to be the master of your own fate. There is still time. It is never too late to discover new ambitions. You don’t have to have it all planned out right now.
2. Social hierarchies are always going to exist, but you are not required to particIpate in them.
I was a pretty naïve sixth grader. When my best friend first began to gossip to me about the popular girls in our class, I was floored — were there really popular girls at our school? Who were they? What made them any different than my best friend and me?
I had failed to notice the beginnings of social hierarchies assembling around me until they were already fully formed. I figured we’d all be friends, just like in elementary school when I would play with different people every week at recess. But now there were new rules, and I was completely clueless on how to navigate them.
On a college campus, the cliques have evolved; they may not be infused with the deliberate cruelty of middle schoolers desperate to fit in, but they still exist. In a sort of full-circle twist, I’ve found the best approach is to pretend that these hierarchies don’t exist. Every time I find myself shying away from interactions for fear of violating some unspoken rule of social hierarchy, I try to stop, ground myself, and act with an open mind. Spoiler alert: kindness is pretty universal, free, and can be helpful in breaking down the perceived awkwardness of cross-clique interaction … which is just a convoluted way of saying that when you’re nice, people tend to be nice back! And if they’re not, that’s way more embarrassing for them than it is for you.
3. Trust your gut.
Once I’d awoken from my clueless stupor back in sixth grade and began to compare myself to my peers, I began to panic. I felt like I was behind and catching up was hopeless; all I could think to do was try to mimic the girls around me. I went to the places they went, got the clothes that they got, and liked the boys that they liked, never mind what I truly wanted. But after a particularly nasty day when I found out that all my “friends” thought I was too immature to be a part of their group, I realized that I didn’t even want to be a part of their group anyway. I didn’t actually like the places, clothes, boys, or even the friends themselves.
Girls, you know the feeling. When your stomach starts curdling and your skin starts crawling and you just know it’s time to run? That’s your gut, and you should listen to it. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right — at least, not for you. Time and time again I’ve ignored this feeling, and I often find that it only delays the inevitable.
As a college student, you’re growing. You’re changing. You’re making active decisions about who you do and do not want to be. And the older you get, the clearer your identity will become. You can trust yourself in choosing what’s best for you, and you can also trust yourself in removing yourself from situations that feel wrong. Your body knows better even when your brain makes excuses, and listening to that feeling will help you craft a life of love, acceptance, and peace.
It’s easy to lose yourself in the chaos and turmoil of middle school and again in college. I’ve certainly had to find my way back to authenticity more than once. Just know that life will keep coming, and so will the important lessons. Change is inevitable. All we can do is learn from the past and try to bring the lessons with us — through college and beyond.