At 20 years old, I have very little fight left in me.
You dream big when you are a little kid. You are convinced that you are going to be rich and famous and are going to have your dream life. If you work hard and are grateful for the opportunities you are given, you can have anything you want. That is what I think everyone was told, at least.
I have lived like this my whole life. By the third grade, I was planning out my future and dreaming about what college I would attend.
The first time I remember feeling stress was in the fifth grade and I do not think this emotion ever went away. I was still unsure of what goal I was working toward.
Although, I knew even then that I had to keep pushing myself to make everything worth it.
I am in the same financial bracket as those with immense student loan debt. My parents made just enough where I was not eligible for any financial aid, but not enough to be the main contributor of my college expenses.
I am tremendously grateful to be in the financial position that I am in, but I often feel stuck because of it. It is why I knew I had to work much harder than my peers, in order to be on the same level as them. I knew I had to keep pushing myself, no matter what.
This continued into high school. Everything I was doing was in pursuit of building my resume and making my transition into adulthood easier. I maintained a 4.0 GPA, played sports, did theater, oversaw my school district’s middle school theater program.
I was also an executive member of my school’s Student Government Association every year, and registered for the hardest classes I could take. I wanted to do important things with my life and did everything I could to make sure I q it.
This all came to a head during my senior year. I was experiencing burnout but kept pushing through it for the final stress. It was college decision season. This was when all my hard work would finally pay off, and it did, at least for a moment. I got into a couple of my top schools, and I was elated. Finally, I was getting recognition for everything I’ve accomplished. Everything I put myself through was worth it.
I then had to come back down to reality. My top schools would have cost me around $60,000 a year, even with scholarships. There was absolutely no way I could have taken on this financial burden. My heart sank, and I once again felt stuck. No matter what I did, what I put myself through, I could not go to my dream school.
After a few days, I thought okay, we are going to make this work. I chose Temple University. In hindsight, I am extremely glad I did. I attended college with the full intention of taking advantage of every opportunity presented to me. I can still work towards a successful future.
The past two years here, I have maintained the same mindset I have had since I was little. I will work hard, be grateful for the opportunities I do have, and everything will work out. I have maintained an A average, have consistently made Dean’s List, and am a part of a bunch of media organizations on campus.
In pursuit of lessening my financial burden, I have overloaded my schedule every year and am officially graduating a semester early. In addition, I am a Resident Assistant (RA) on campus, and whenever I am home, I work at least two jobs to save up as much as I can.
Last summer, I worked three jobs six days a week and saved up $5,000. A huge accomplishment met with my disappointment that this did not even pay off one semester. Still, I persisted.
A big part of the college experience I wanted to get was studying abroad. It seems like every university student gets this opportunity if they want it. I, nevertheless, could not justify missing a semester in Philadelphia, potentially hindering my early graduation, or missing a whole summer where I could be working to pay off my loans.
However, I became aware of a program that would allow me to take on an internship abroad, and I was set on doing it this summer. I applied, got in and even was placed in my dream location – Dublin.
Finally, I was getting what I desired, until I looked at the cost. It was $18,000 with no guarantee of scholarships until after the deposit was due. Every emotion I felt during my senior year of high school came rushing back to me.
What was the point of me working this hard if I was not getting my flowers for it? I am aware that losing out on this opportunity may seem insignificant, but to me it was the breaking point.
Many people told me that my time will come. They say I am still young and one day great things will come for me. I agree with them, but in the back of my mind I always yell “WHEN? When will these so-called “great things” come for me?”
I do still have so much more time to grow, and maybe eventually I will receive what I desire. I am going to keep pushing myself, but I cannot help but feel discouraged. Perhaps, one day, great things will come. But for right now, I will continue to kick and scream until they do.