Ever since the introduction of the show “Will & Grace,” the “gay friend” phenomena has spread like a bad meme. The idea of having a gay friend was glamorized and portrayed as being an ideal friend for straight women. There was social pressure attached to cis-gendered male-female friendships. You know the old saying that boys and girls can’t just be friends? With the extension to gay men, it suddenly became possible.
Society pits women against each other for the attention of men. Female friendships are portrayed as either ruthless (see: “Mean Girls,” “Heathers,” “Gossip Girl”) or shallow (“Sex and the City,” “John Tucker Must Die,” “Zoey 101”), but they all have one thing in common: boys. “Gay men understand what’s important…” says Samantha Jones from “Sex and the City,” “clothes, compliments, and c**ks.”
The issue with this mindset (and fear not, straight women are not the only victims of this) is that it tokenizes the male gay community. Tokenizing takes away our individuality. When a gay person becomes your “gay friend,” they are no longer anything else. Here are some truths to help shine some truth on stereotypes about gay men:
1. Not all gay men are obsessed with having a significant other. My biggest pet peeve is when I’m asked why I don’t have a boyfriend. I get it – society imposes the expectation to constantly be focused on love. Women and gay men specifically are expected to constantly be in search for “the right man.” While gay men like this do exist (and it’s sad to see less focus on self-love and self-growth), it does not give anyone the right to assume that the first thing on my mind is boys. Newsflash – it’s not. I’m worried about my studies, my classes, what my plans are this weekend, etc. I have other friends and other problems. I’ve had people wonder why I’m not necessarily searching for love (as of recently anyway) and it’s tiring to explain that, yes I like boys, but I also like a million other things!
2. I am not your fashion consultant or a matchmaker! I’ve had friends assume that I want to go shopping with them and help them pick out outfits. Most of the time, I couldn’t care less. Don’t get me wrong, I love fashion and I love shopping. But I like doing it mostly for myself. What people in particular don’t realize is that I don’t really like standing around for three hours as they try on every possible option possible. I get bored. I’d much rather be in the boys section looking at clothes for myself. There are only so many times that I can be a judge and score your outfits – at one point or another you’re going to have to do it on your own. I have to go shopping by myself sometimes because my girl friends don’t care to stand around and watch me pick out boys clothes. Yeah, the irony. Oh and a quick tip to straight men: We are not here to hook you up with girls. We are not here to give tips on pleasing “the feminine eye” because we aren’t straight girls, therefore I we do not know what they will like.
3. Being a jerk and being “sassy” are two very different things. Being rude to someone and making a sassy comment are two completely different things. Stop excusing your friend’s actions and comments to the fact that they are simply sassy! This is harmful to the gay community because it teaches hate. I can’t be nice 100 percent of the time and sometimes I will be uncharacteristically rude instead of sassy or sarcastic. Call me out! Call your friend out! I’d rather be called out for this behavior. Just because someone is gay, it does mean they get a free pass to treat others disrespectfully. We are human – we make mistakes and we are responsible for our actions as well.
4. We are not straight, so stop treating us like we are. This is probably the biggest issue I’ve had and while it seems obvious, there are constant issues that arise due to this ignorant belief. There is not always “a man and a woman” in a relationship. We both wear pants (or dresses if you’re into that!) and we don’t always play the same sexual roles that we give off in public. It’s hurtful to impose heteronormative binaries on gay people. I can play video games – It’s not an exclusively straight boy thing. In fact, half of gamers are girls! I can also prance around in heels. Assigning clothing styles to specific genders is sexist and restricts my ability to express myself.
5. Homophobic micro-aggressions are just as bad as blatant homophobia. Homophobia goes deeper than just blatant hatred or fear. Saying that something is “too gay” is homophobic. Even though there are many allies to the LGBT community, they will not fully understand the social struggles of being non-straight. For example, Macklemore is not necessarily a figure for everyone in the LGBT community. Not everyone feels represented by him – gay people are more than just a market. I do not automatically love Lady Gaga or Britney Spears. No one can truly determine who is a gay icon, since no one can speak for everyone. Frankly, it’s homophobic to believe your opinions on the LGBT community matter more than someone who is actually in it.
I guess what I’m trying to point out is that gay people are more than their sexuality. You might meet a gay person who doesn’t feel the need to use clothes to express themselves, so you respect that (and should never assume). You might meet someone else who loves video games and shopping. No one is “gayer” or “straighter” than the other and no one is more “guyish” or more “girlish” than the other. The easiest way to avoid stereotyping your gay friend is by not assuming! Do not assume that they like or dislike something based on their sexuality. Make informed judgments when assuming what they will enjoy. Your friend is a person too, you know, so treat them like how you’d like to be treated.