New beginnings led to me finding my true self.
As a kid, I never used to fit in. I always felt like the outlier in a room where people not only looked the same, but also came from similar backgrounds. I, on the other hand, stuck out like a sore thumb trying to build connections with people who could never understand me.
Growing up, I would always be around my older sister after I got home from school, and we would binge watch her favorite shows at the time. Shows like Moesha, The Parkers, and One on One were always on repeat in my house and caused a great impact on my identity. I sat in awe in front of the television watching these black girls form friendships with people around them and understand each other’s struggles. I was fascinated with the culture, fashion, and artistic expression that these shows used to represent the black community in the 2000’s. I loved seeing the black girl magic on screen yet saddened on the mere fact that I haven’t experienced that in my life too.
I was stuck at a predominantly white school in the middle of suburbia, and I hated every minute of it. Being a part of the tiny black demographic at an all-white school was an unforgettable experience. The constant micro aggression, eyes lingering after a new hairstyle, and being completely overlooked by the majority was only the tip of the iceberg. I felt as though I did not have a crowd to fit into as everyone around me formed their own cliques by high school. There were the popular kids, student athletes, music lovers, and the members of the school orchestra, then there was me. I did not know where I belonged. I was “too black” for the white kids and “too white-washed” for the other small group of black kids.
Fast forward to my junior year, I had enough of being stuck in limbo with whom I felt I needed to be accepted by and I decided I was going to apply to a college where I could express myself to the fullest without judgment. I knew I wanted to stay in-state but go to an institution with a much more diversified student body than what I was dealing with now, which is why I chose Temple University.
Even though Temple is still a predominantly white institution, it does not feel like I’m trapped in a dystopia where people see my blackness but don’t understand my blackness. I was able to unlock a side of me that could bond with people similar to me and not feel an ounce of judgment. I was not only mentally relieved but also emotionally motivated to build friendships for my college years. Now I have developed many sturdy relationships with the black college students I have met since being in college. I would not trade that foreign feeling of finally being accepted for anything.
With my junior year coming to a close and my time at university coming to an end, that familiar gut feeling of having to reintroduce myself to society has risen to the surface. I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t make me nervous, because the truth is, I am absolutely terrified of relieving my past low points where I felt as if no one could understand me. However, I am not going to let those horrible experiences affect who I am today. I love my blackness. I love how it makes me stand out. I love how I can be who I am and not feel ashamed about it and I will make sure that I never feel held back again.