Because the nice guy is always the nice guy– until he isn’t.
I have had a recent encounter with a “nice guy.” He says all the right things and makes all the right moves. He’s cute, he’s kind, he’s respectful– the whole package. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that kissing him feels like floating above the ground, but that might be because he lifts you up a little bit when he does it. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that the nice guy can be anything but, well, nice. That’s the phenomenon: When he’s too good to be true, can he ever really be good?
For all you hopefuls out there, the rational answer is definitely. So, how do you discern a nice guy from a nice guy? Well for starters, if he feels inclined to make it known he’s a “nice guy,” he probably isn’t. I had a professor who used to say, “Don’t tell me you’re a comedian, make me laugh.” So what we should really be questioning is why he has to keep insisting he’s a “nice guy” through his words, rather than proving it with his actions.
I have taken the liberty to categorize two distinct types of “nice guys.” The first is the type we previously discussed; the one who believes in the power of verbal manifestation (or manipulation). They make it their whole personality to be known as nice and unproblematic, despite the fact they possess neither of those qualities. You may even witness one of their sad monologues that may include: “Nice guys always finish last,” or “Girls don’t want nice guys, they want a**holes,” or something of the like. Maybe if he says it enough, he’ll speak his “nice guyness” into existence– but not while you’re dating him. This first type is a lot easier to point out because he makes the red flag so obvious. However, the second is a little harder to pinpoint.
The second type of “nice guy” is the one you can’t fully detect. He is literally the perfect guy: handsome, polite, charming, and kind. However, you can’t help but get the feeling that there is something deeper and darker that you aren’t seeing. Could it be the inherent mistrust of men as a whole, or could it be he’s actually not as great as he’s letting on? Unfortunately, that’s for you to figure out– but I can help you decide.
While writing this article, my friend and I started talking about a guy she used to see. A “nice” guy. She shared: “[Nice guys] use trauma and doubt women have with men to their advantage in the hopes of their own gain.” These types of guys will learn what makes you hurt, and insist they’re different, only to do the exact thing they claimed they would never do. So what are some tips to avoid these kinds of guys?
My first word of advice is to trust your gut. If you get the vibe that something’s off, you’re probably right. I used to see a guy who was so perfect, it was almost unsettling. Everything felt so easy, which is a great thing to feel with a partner, but I had that weird, little feeling. Boy, was I right. Our fling fizzled out, and while I was never personally affected by his “nice guy” persona, I found out I knew someone who was. Let’s just say he really was too good to be true, and I’m lucky I never had to figure it out for myself.
My second tip is to notice his behavior. I have noticed that on the surface, these types of guys are generally well-liked by others. The problem lies in the fact that sometimes, the nice guy is nice to everybody, except the ones he dates. “Nice” guys always start out nice. They’ll open the car door for you, buy you flowers, and cook your favorite meal. Slowly, yet surely, they start to shift. Maybe he’s more critical and picks fights with you, or maybe he’s just mean. That “nice guy” persona is how they hook you in. Additionally, this persona works in the way where he’s nice only to the women he’s interested in. It also goes hand-in-hand with noticing the inconsistencies in what he claims to be, versus how he acts towards those around him. Pro tip: you deserve to meet a guy who is genuine and consistent in both his kindness and respect towards you and others.
My final tip is to listen. If you get that gut feeling, listen to it. If he tells you he’s a nice guy, listen to him (but more in the way you hear a fire alarm blaring, telling you to get the heck out of there). If you notice any off behaviors or manipulative tendencies, listen to your intuition and your better judgment. It can be really hard to let go of someone who seems so perfect, but you’re opening the door for healthy and genuine connections.
It can be hard to get over a “nice guy.” After a handful of dating horror stories and broken hearts, a nice guy feels like a breath of fresh air. It can feel scary to return back to the dating scene after a “nice guy” seemed so nice. You may feel like you’ll never meet a guy like him again. Honestly, it’s for the best you don’t. He might’ve been a “nice guy,” but there was something that made him anything but nice. Similarly, feeling worried about the intentions of future partners is so, so valid. It can be hard to put yourself back out there and trust people on the level you used to. It takes time, and that’s okay. Luckily, you have these tips and tricks to help separate the “nice guys” from the actual nice guys.
So is there really any escaping the phenomenon known as the “nice guy”? I can’t say. All I can say is to heed the words of Sex and the City icon Samantha Jones: “If he seems too good to be true, he probably is.”