BREAKING NEWS: Austin Will NOT Be Experiencing Fall This Year

Although Freeform (formerly The Family Channel) has been advertising their 31 Nights of Halloween for some time, it seems that the weather in Austin will remain unchanged for the foreseeable future. 

Walking near the East Campus Garage, a squirrel approached me with an outstretched hand begging for water or really anything I was willing to give him… 

Apparently, some members of the University of Texas construction team were well aware, and rather than deal with another dried-up fountain, they replaced the West Campus mall fountain with a sign informing people of where they are. I think we should’ve erected a Matthew McConaughey statue there, but I’m getting away from the point of this article. 

While pumpkin spice lattes have returned, and Pinterest is seriously trying to convince me to cozy up in a sweater, the reality is that if I drank a PSL in this heat, I would surely vomit while walking to class. Despite regularly avoiding ANY flights of stairs and riding the shuttles a single stop, the amount of sweat I am expelling has to be affecting my hydration levels. Thank goodness UT has warm tap water spewing out of their fountains! It’s not their fault, but it is hot y’all, and drinking hot water when it’s hot is miserable.

Thankfully, each classroom within the Forty Acres has air conditioning set to arctic levels and your sweat instantly freezes, ensuring that while you may experience hypothermia, you will certainly avoid heat-stroke. You could try bringing a sweater for indoors, but when I did that, it quickly evolved into a smelly swamp-like sweat rag. 

One product that has been a lifesaver that I think every man, woman, child, dog, alien, squirrel, Longhorn, etc. should get are deodorant wipes! They help you feel fresh after racing across campus in hell-like heat to get to your next class. The buses get so awkward during rush hour and you’re up close and personal. Don’t skip that first bus because you’re worried about how you smell! Simply wipe down and lift your arms up high and proud and know that you are NOT the weird smelly person on the bus! 

In the meantime, do your best to stay cool by wearing loose clothing and drinking lots of water! Starbucks will hook you up with ice water if you have the time to wait! And remember that not only during the week but especially if you’re brave enough to venture into the valley of the student section at DKR! 

Stay hydrated, Longhorns!

Authors Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent; also, this assessment was made with absolutely no scientific data or research. This is purely based off of emotional despair I have been feeling walking around in the hot sun. 

• heat