As I sit in my room filling up another journal with all of the words I cannot say out loud and the feelings I cannot express to others, I wonder how many other young women like myself struggle with this same actuality…
Losing yourself in other people.
During the past few years of my life, I was often deeming myself worthless while feeling like I needed to fill the cup of others with anything I had left in order to prove myself to them. As I have started to love myself the way I love other people, I find that country singer Kacey Musgraves has coined the perfect phrase for this evolution in my life – finding a “deeper well.”
In her new song “Deeper Well,” Kacey Musgraves sings in her euphonious, angelic voice about moving forward in life and moving on from people who did not serve her anymore – finding a deeper well.
As I reflect about the term “deeper well,” I collected quotes that reminded me of the importance of self-love, boundaries, and surrounding yourself with people that pour into you rather than drain you.
“You are not defined by how you are treated, but by how you allow yourself to be treated.”
I realized that as soon as I started to think I deserved better, I did.
Whether that be in a friendship or relationship, I finally realized that if my efforts and feelings were not being reciprocated, that was NOT my sign to try harder. I got caught up in feeling like I needed to prove my worth to others that didn’t see it, and soon enough, I didn’t know where they ended and I began. I felt myself losing my autonomy.
Something I asked myself was, “Are they playing hard to get, or am I playing hard to get rid of?” I look back and realize I was chasing someone in an attempt to prove I was worthy of love. The truth is, I am worthy. I always was.
“You cannot shame yourself into change, but love yourself into evolution.”
Something that has taken me a long time to master is forgiving myself.
Chasing superficial friendships in hopes of them becoming deeper and fighting for a relationship that I’ve outgrown was detrimental to my self-worth. Like me, you may often find yourself hating things you once loved about yourself when you succumb to these degrading, wounding situations.
While I may look back on years spent in an environment that hurt me more than helped me, no matter how cliche this sounds, I feel everything does happen for a reason. Continuing to criticize and shame myself for my past will only further set back my growth.
“Don’t let temporary moments of affection blur the lines of continuous disrespect.”
I found myself accepting behavior that was only convenient for the person I was chasing, rather than an actual expression of appreciation for me.
I started to think bare minimum effort was really something extravagant, and if I expected more, then I was ungrateful, selfish, etc. Over time, I realized that I deserve the love and affection that I pour into other people. I should not have poured effort into a surface-level friendship with someone who only reached out when it was convenient for them, or if my people-pleasing flexibility that they knew I possessed could fulfill a favor they needed.
I believe lackluster people cannot be loved into being inspired to love you enough. As I found myself fighting for a tumultuous, back-and-forth, unhealthy relationship that started to chip away at my sense of self, I realized if they won’t give me what I need and deserve, someone else will.
“Life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself.”
More often than not, I found myself in isolation – embarrassed of who I was and who I had become during this time of imploring people to fill my cup who were the reason it was empty in the first place.
Once I found the right people to talk to, they were there for me, cried with me, gave me advice, or just listened. I discovered the right people will not judge you, but remind you of your worth and what you truly deserve.
While talking to the right people was always helpful, I figured out on my own that being at war within my mind about what to do was pointless: Will I ever be enough for them? How am I too much but also too little at the same time? Are they going to change for me?
I realized I had all of the answers to my own questions.
My gut knew.
I knew that this fantasized potential I had of these people was only a reflection of myself and what I would do if I were them – not who they actually were.
Within all of these realizations, I found my “deeper well” – myself.
I can forgive myself as much as I forgave these people that took advantage of my compassion.
I realized once I fill my own cup, the right people will pour into it rather than take.
I found that people that are meant for you will meet you where you are, and not waste your time subjecting you to deem it necessary that you need to prove yourself to them.