Sometimes I talk to myself and I get into this self-diving, introspective mood. So naturally, I end up with moments of self-realization. I like to call them… Garden Thoughts.
I am currently going through a very joyful phase in my life; I’ve been proud of my growth as a person, I really enjoy what I do, and I love who I surround myself with.
Thinking about this, I realized that when you love yourself enough as a person, finding a(ny) relationship becomes about you, loving yourself so much, that a person who you accept take on the role of your friend and companion, is the person that you can actually trust the most. And not just for one thing. Alongside many other reasons, this person get chosen because they can make you a happier, and even better version of yourself. And by nature’s will, somewhere along the way, you find yourself loving, respecting, and admiring that other person so much, that you start wishing the best for them and acting in their best interest too.
These two things happen and nurture each other simultaneously. As you are still yourself, and you have made a decision to take that person as a partner for specific reasons, including their ability to bring happiness and growth into your life. And so in turn, you wish to be part of what makes them happier and better.
For the longest time, I searched and found relationships where this wasn’t my approach. It wasn’t necessarily conscious, either. I just had never really spoken to myself and had never got a chance to love her; much less love her properly. So, every person I found comfort in, I would devote to, in hopes that –in them– I would find what it feels like to be loved intimately.
I did not know myself; I had never spoken to myself. I had hid from her, and she had remained hidden from me. So I had this strong and prominent need to be loved intimately. I just did.
I grew up forming these personas for other people.
For every person I spoke to or encountered, I would create a character: a perfect prototype of what would make them the best versions of themselves. I desperately wished to be named and crowned the one thing that made them the happiest. And whenever I couldn’t read people “well enough” or I was simply uncomfortable, I would make up excuses for why I was shy and quiet, and blamed them. I was terrified of failure when it came to receiving this, and let me admit, fantasy of a reward. But that reward was the bread and butter of my life.
I went to large extents to make many people very happy, even if it was temporary, because the feeling gave me the same high every. single. time. So, as soon as, and I’ll admit once again, they were done with me, I would immediately look for the next crowning process. It was intoxicating.
Along the lines of a quote I read many years ago, who I knew for most of my life and still know today as ‘Dani,’ was just a mosaic of every person she’s ever loved. And while that does tend to sound sweet and poetic, the other end of the stick was just as saddening.
There is a silver lining to this, of course. Because now that I have had the opportunity to meet myself, and I’m learning to love her properly –this piece is a shorter version of that story– I can confidently say that I am happy and grateful that I somehow grew and snapped out of it. Well… worked through it alongside my parents, sisters, cousins, friends, a few categories of providers, and anyone I’ve ever loved sounds a bit more accurate.
And I can’t forget my current partner, who’s had the opportunity to meet my self and has watched and kept encouraging us to grow. He has been more than happy to be here for the ride, and has invited me to come along for his as well. So far, it’s been magic.
I have known many versions of people, and I have known many, many versions of myself. But now that I am getting to know and am learning to love her, I am now also able to gauge if a person I comes across can make me happier and better, and if together they we stay wanting and working for both of our happiers and betters.
And in the midst of this universe of personas and corners of love that I’ve discovered, I’m confident that at this moment, I am both proud and loving of myself and the person I’ve chosen to be my friend and companion.
And yes, it’s been a pretty sweet combination.