Nothing solidifies a budding friendship quite like sharing secrets you shouldn’t be telling.
Is it the most ethical thing?
Definitely not. But somehow, it feels comforting. Sharing stories that aren’t your own creates a sense of intimacy in a friendship, because it presumes a degree of trust in the person you are telling it to.
I’m personally guilty of building some of my friendships on the foundation of gossip. Growing up as an introvert, gossip felt like a cheat code to creating instant connections with new friends. I only later realized that those quickly-made connections could be very shallow and fragile.
Gossip is so subtly woven into the fabric of teenage friendships that we hardly notice how artificial a relationship can become—especially when it’s built on shared disdain rather than shared values. In college, it’s particularly easy to bond quickly over mutual judgements and half-truths about situations you were never even involved in. This creates a facade of intimacy, because suddenly, you’re on the same “team” as someone, making inside jokes and treating people like punchlines.
But what happens when that gossip runs dry? What’s holding that friendship together?
Many times, you’re left alongside someone who is little more than a stranger.
Gossip may feel like a social currency, something that’s always circulating and at your fingers, but it comes at a cost: the chance for meaningful, long-lasting connections.
I’m not saying friendships have to be perfect or completely free of conversations about others. But, I think that progress starts with being more intentional about how we build the foundation of our relationships. We shouldn’t be telling others’ secrets just to buy our way into a social circle or fast-track a new friendship. Real relationships grow from vulnerability, shared morals, and complementary personalities.
And we can’t ignore the broader issue at play. We already live under the microscope of a misogynistic society that often assumes women are hardwired to gossip, as if whispers and drama is written into our DNA. I’d like to believe that women are far more socially and emotionally intelligent than we’re often given credit for. We are not biologically tethered to gossip, rather have been born in a culture that teaches us to capitalize on it.
It’s about time we shift the paradigm and start prioritizing strong, meaningful female friendships.