I turned 20 about 3 months ago, and it has been a crazy ride. I’ve lost people who are so important to me, humiliated myself again and again, accomplished athletic feats I never thought possible, and grown in ways I didn’t think I would have to. As I reflect on the past few months, I wanted to share some of my crazy stories with other girls in their 20s so you know that no matter what happens, you’re not alone.
- Growing Around Grief
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Earlier this year, my aunt died in a tragic accident that occurred around the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather passing away. My family was devastated for months, and for a long time, I didn’t know how to deal with my grief. I was in a state of disbelief and panic as I had to move back to my college apartment that week. As school started and my attention strayed, I was terrified of losing my memories of my aunt and grandfather. I felt guilty for having fun or even being busy when I knew my family was in such a state of grief. After some deep talks with some wise people, I realized that my grief and love for my aunt hasn’t faded in me or grown less important, but I am rather growing up around it.Â
- Growing Away From Old Friends
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You know that girl you thought would stay by your side through any change – the person who held you at your lowest and celebrated you at your best? I lost her. A few months ago, we had a heart-to-heart and realized that we just weren’t serving each other’s needs anymore. In many ways, she has been like an ex-boyfriend that I just can’t get over, but I have to remind myself that there is a reason why things fall apart. It’s a difficult feeling to reconcile how much you loved someone, with the fact that you can’t be there for them anymore. However, it’s also a reminder of how you are a different person than your younger self, and the lessons you have learned were not for no reason. Moving on takes time, and I still scream “I love you, I’m Sorry” by Gracie Abrams when I think about her, but I know that good things are happening for her too and that gives me peace. Growing away from people always makes me terribly nostalgic, but as much as I love those old memories, I do cherish who I am now.
- Growing Past Humiliating Yourself
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People say your 20s are all about making mistakes. I hope they are right because I feel like I make a new one every day. Unfortunately, the incident I want to talk about here was more than just a little typo. Without going into excruciating detail, I ended up forgetting my limits and embarrassing myself in front of people from my workplace. After the incident, I wanted to curl into a ball and never face those people again. But being the kind and gracious individuals that they are, all of them told me that stuff happens and they’re just happy that I’m okay. The first and most important lesson I learned from all of this, was to know my limits and always take care of myself first. But, I also realized that if you’re around good people, you can make it through anything. It took me a few days to muster up the courage to face the people from my workplace, but I found that the best way to deal with what I had done was just to embrace it. You can’t change the past, but you can always hold your head high and power through.
- Growing Stronger
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When I was young, someone told me that I could be good at cross country. I took that to heart, and in middle school I did track and cross country for two years, until eventually, my knee pain got so bad that I had to stop. That was until this year, when I signed up for a 5K MudRun with some of my friends. In the interest of not completely embarrassing myself by being weak, I trained, and through it, realized that this was the first time in years that I had run without any pain. And god, I had missed it. Running had always made me feel free and focused, and when I stopped I didn’t think I would ever get to run again. My training for the 5K wasn’t completely pain free, but I worked around my ability level and made sure to check in with my body frequently so I didn’t overwork myself. In the end, I *killed* that 5K and ended up finishing so much faster than I thought possible. As someone who has never been particularly strong, it gave me such a rush to know that if I put my mind to something and trained mindfully, I could actually accomplish feats I previously thought out-of-reach. And now, I plan on signing up for another 5K in a few months!
- Growing Upwards
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I have spent far too many hours doubting myself. My imposter syndrome has held me back more times than I care to admit. But when I turned 20, I had a realization. I could not let my own perception of myself get in the way of who I want to be. For that reason, I have spent the past few months putting myself out there professionally and applying for opportunities that I would normally write off as something I could never get. I’ve also decided that my sense of fulfillment must come from the act of reaching for an opportunity rather than getting an opportunity, because as long as I keep trying, something has to stick. Over the past few months, I’ve gotten two jobs and been selected to give a presentation at a symposium. All of these were opportunities that I would have previously not even considered as within my capabilities. Even as my schedule fills up, I love the feeling of having something meaningful to do, something that I worked hard to get and work hard to maintain. Growing upwards is an awkward and slow process, but as long as I am actively trying to, I will feel capable.
Most days, I have some interaction or event that I regret, and I’m still learning how to look forward instead of dwelling on the past. Being 20 has forced me to grow in many different directions and I’m still trying to figure out what the best options are for me. What I do know right now is that as long as I’m growing, I am on the right path.