How a Breakup Taught Me to Love Myself

Last January I went through a breakup with someone I loved very much. And honestly, at the time, I figured it would take me a few weeks to cry it out and get over it. 

But then, January turned into February. February turned into March. Months had passed, and yet I still felt stuck inside this perpetual ball of sadness and loneliness. I felt a constant tightness in my chest. I would stay awake thinking about what I could have done differently or how I could have been better. I felt like no one in the whole wide world could understand how I was feeling. 

I can’t really describe it in any way other than grief. 

My friends think I’m being dramatic when I say this, but it’s true…

A breakup isn’t just the end of a relationship with your partner. It’s saying goodbye to a person (and time of your life) you really loved.

It means no more shared experiences with this person. No more shared meals, no more quick glances, no more soft touches or deep conversations with someone you once cared deeply for. And still do. This was probably the hardest part for me to overcome- grieving the end of what was at the time the most important relationship in my life. 

So I cried. For a really long time.

I did all the post-breakup clichés. I made a Tinder account way too soon. I read an embarrassing amount of Reddit posts on how to get over your ex. I ugly cried and binged on junk food like I had seen in rom-coms. And all this stuff did help, for a little bit at least. 

But after a while crying stopped making me feel better.

By the time April rolled around, I had picked up every hobby you can imagine- journaling, cooking, reading, painting, sculpting… I even bought a pair of roller skates and committed to skating every day. Anything to fill up the hours in the day and distract me from the heartache I was feeling.

I found myself forming a routine that somehow allowed me to explore all of these new hobbies I had acquired. Cooking myself breakfast, reading books in between my online classes, journaling any fleeting thought I had, and skating just as the day would get dark.

I committed to adding these little bits of happiness throughout my day. 

In doing this, I realized that I began to come out of that little ball of sadness I had been consumed in just a few months before. I began to appreciate little things around me– the way the sun shines through tree branches, the first sip of coffee in the morning, the smell of fresh flowers, hearing the laugh of people I love. 

I’m not trying to say that from one week to the next I went from sad girl to “that girl.” 

I didn’t. It took a long long long time.

I still had heartache through all of this. I still had nights where I would stay awake and replay all the mistakes I made. I would still cry about him to my friends. I realistically don’t think there was an hour that went by without me thinking about him. Thinking if he thought about me as much as I thought about him. 

So yes, the heartache was still there while I was cooking and skating and journaling. The difference was that I looked forward to the next day. I wasn’t absorbed by sadness or loneliness. I was no longer thinking thoughts like “I wish ___ was here with me” but rather “I am so happy to be here at this moment.”

When you love someone, you spend as much time with them as you can. You laugh until your sides hurt. You wipe their tears. You learn all their little quirks, which somehow makes you love them more.

By spending so much time with myself, I learned all of my own little quirks. I learned how to wipe my own tears. I discovered so many things that made my day brighter. 

I don’t think this would have been possible if I was still in that relationship.

Not because my ex was some horrible guy, or that our relationship was toxic. It wasn’t. I still think about some moments we shared together and smile. And sometimes cry. I still love him, but in a way I just always will.

I didn’t realize how much I didn’t care about myself until I was left to put myself back together. I didn’t treat myself nicely. I wouldn’t take the time to do little things that would make my day better just because. I hadn’t even bothered to get to know myself enough to know what those little things would be. 

I love exploring the things that make me happy. I love going to a restaurant and asking for a table for one. I love making meals, trying out new coffee shops, and filling up my fridge with new groceries. I love doing little insignificant things that I know will make my day brighter. I love that I am confident and happy with the person I am growing into. 

Though I wouldn’t have said this a year ago, I am grateful for my breakup. 

I’m grateful because our breakup forced me to spend quality time with myself. In doing so, I developed so much love and gratitude for… me. I take better care of myself because I love myself. I prioritize my health, both mental and physical. I found friends that lift me up and value me as much as I now value myself. I allow myself to not be okay sometimes, but I know how to make myself feel better to where I am never stuck in that ball of sadness ever again…or at least until the next breakup.

• breakup
• relationships
• self-love