Accepting Failure
Failure. We all go through it. But people don’t talk about it often. Instead, we focus on success. While success isn’t a bad thing; not talking about your failures can leave a lot of unresolved feelings. So I say we should talk more about our failures. With that in mind, I wanted to share a failure story of mine. I wanted people to see that everyone can fail and that’s okay.
One of the most prominent story of failure that I remember was not getting into the Medical Academy Internship program. In high school I was in a medical science program for people who were interested in becoming doctors. Once you become a sophomore, you could apply for internship that allowed you to shadow doctors and apply what we’ve been learning in our classes. The internship was extremely competitive and only 40 people from our program got in. From the time I was a freshman in high school I knew I had to get this internship. That internship was the only thing that truly mattered to me.
Finally, after much anticipation, the end of sophomore year arrived. There was a two-part system for applying to the internship. First, you had to submit an application and take an entrance exam. The exam covered everything we learned over the past two years, from medical terminology to anatomy and physiology. Then, if your exam grade was in the top 40%, you could schedule an interview. Luckily for me, I studied so all day and night for the test so I knew I would pass it. I even came up with little songs and acronyms to help me out. There was so much dread when I went to check if I made it to the second round. I did!
It was the best day of my life. Now all that was left was the interview. I talked with people who I knew in the internship and got tips and tricks. Then it was time. I showed up on time and thought my interview went amazingly. I made the interviewers laugh and did everything I thought I was supposed to do. Then two anxiety-filled weeks later, the results went up. I remember rushing out of my last class and heading straight to that bulletin board. I scanned through the list of names once.
Where was my name? There must be some mistake. Maybe it wasn’t in alphabetical order? Something was wrong.
Twice.
Now I was sure of it. My heart skipped a beat and my mouth went dry. I didn’t get it. I wasn’t good enough. I felt my eyes water and that all too familiar lump in my throat. I looked at the list one more time and through blurry vision read, “If you didn’t get in, it’s not the end of the world.” But that wasn’t right. It was the end of my world. I worked so hard and at the end, despite my best efforts, I wasn’t good enough. I felt like what I was. A failure.
It took me a while before I could even talk about it. I put telling my family I didn’t make it for a week. The one thing that slowly helped me get over my failure was writing. I wrote down my feelings, my thoughts, everything and anything. I love writing. It’s the only way I truly know how to get all my feelings out. Anytime I felt sad about the internship, I would write down what I was thinking about and why I was sad. Even if it seemed dumb or stupid, I wrote it down anyway. Writing allowed me to take the pain that was trapped inside of me and stamp it into the paper. It made how I was feeling tangible. By writing I was able to become more aware of my feelings, which made it easier to accept and process them for me. Once I truly started to accept my feelings of pain, I was able to move pass them.
My failure has taught me a lot about myself and rejection. The pain felt from rejection is only temporary. At the time, my failure defined me. In my head I was the girl who didn’t get the internship. It felt so permanent. But it’s not. There will be other opportunities for me. I just have to be on the lookout for them and try when they cross my path.
Another thing I learned is that the saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try again” isn’t just a lie failures tell themselves to feel better. Failure goes hand in hand with success. Sometimes failure is necessary to keep you changing and improving. If everything came naturally then nobody would feel the need to improve and work on themselves.
This failure has lead me where to I am today in numerous ways. If I would’ve gotten into that internship, I would still be on track to becoming a family doctor. Getting rejected allowed me to explore psychology more and really settle on the idea of researching mood and behavioral disorders. Also, experiencing this failure has made me more willing to try for opportunities I normally wouldn’t go for. For example, applying to UT. I was almost positive when I applied that I wouldn’t get in, but I didn’t let that stop me from applying. It was because I knew the worst thing that could happen was not getting in. There is a certain amount of freedom that comes from knowing that. Because the world really doesn’t end when you fail.
Image: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/08/13/article-2187749-147C5982000005…