One of the questions I hate to be asked the most is, “did you do any sports in high school?” Um, no. I didn’t. I wasn’t athletic, I didn’t have a big group of friends, and I felt left out in that sense. It takes me some time to realize that I was still a part of other things. I was an art and debate kid, and certainly made close friends along the way because of it. It’s conflicting to even remind yourself of things that had once been a big part of your life. It’s as if my initial reaction is to invalidate my experience because it’s not the one others were expecting or looking for. Now, I’m trying to embrace that part of me. That part that had interests and was able to indulge in them.
For context, I’ve been taking art lessons since I was seven years old. First with an oil painter, then with a 3-D drawing expert, and then in high school with another artist. I learned I had a love for painting in high school, and I spent every project practicing how to paint on a canvas with acrylics. And though I still possess the same talent, I find that painting has begun to feel like a hassle and I often feel too lazy to set up my station. Even so, I know I would be much happier to move past what is limiting and restricting me. I’ve recently started to use Procreate (an application you can use to paint or draw or anything else you can imagine), and the ability to just get started without any other maneuvers has helped me immensely to follow my inspirations.
What comes with being my artistic self again is sharing and being vulnerable. As you expose work you are proud of, you face the risk of criticism, backlash, or even the possibility of looking at your work too much until you hate it. Not only that, but I find that I try to stifle the subject matter I would like to paint because I fear the disapproval of others. Perhaps it’s a deeply embedded sense to satisfy and be accepted by others. Whatever the reason, it’s an obstacle I must jump over. If I don’t, it will always manage to get in the way of how proud I am for what I do and I would rather that positive experience not be tainted.
I’ve learned that exposing myself that way has left me feeling much more connected to who I truly am. To share that part of me makes me feel like it’s not a foreign and distant entity, but one others can appreciate and respect as much as I do. In a lot of ways, the image we have for ourselves is shaped by how we are perceived by others. And now, I am fighting for that image and perception to be as accurate as possible. To hide it from others is to hide it from myself. I want to revel in the pride and joy I have for who I am and what I can accomplish. I hope as you’re reading this, you decide to take some to indulge in the things that make you happy. Whether it’s your job or a hobby, feed your soul with kindness and fun. You deserve it. You deserve to be vulnerable. Life seems like a lot less fun without it.