I was sitting in class when we were discussing a topic in our reading surrounding identity, specifically the Mexican American community in Los Angeles. The professor went on to explain the concept of not wanting to become a Mexican again, but at the same time not wanting to blend into the life of North America. He related this concept to the phrase “ni de aquí, ni de allá.” After hearing that phrase, it left me to think of my own identity, as I related heavily to it.
I was born in the United States but grew up in Mexico for the early part of my life. I don’t really remember a lot of Mexico, but my mom would always tell me stories of our life there—walking hours from El Rancho to the nearest pueblo for tortillas, and going back and forth between Matamoros, Tamaulipas, and San Louis Potosí to visit family. My parents and I moved to Texas for me to start school in 2008. Since then, I have only traveled back to Mexico a few times.
Although I grew up predominantly in Texas, I was always surrounded by my culture, especially in my community. I’m from a town 25 minutes from the border in the Rio Grande Valley. We obviously had more authentic food and culture since we were so close to the border. My mom would always teach me about our culture from back home and made sure I understood it. Even though I was surrounded by my Mexican culture, I felt more disconnected from it as I got older. It almost felt like a competition of who was the “most Mexican,” since people in my area would compare where they were from or think of themselves as superior for being born in Mexico. I wasn’t able to visit Mexico frequently, so my family in Mexico missed out on a lot of my growth, while I missed the opportunities of growing up being surrounded by them.
It wasn’t until I moved to Austin that I felt more reconnected to my culture again (which is kind of ironic). Although I wasn’t surrounded by a predominantly Hispanic population like at home, I felt as if there was almost a larger appreciation for having that background. I was able to find a community within UT where we shared the same background and that made me feel so much more connected. It was so exciting to meet other students who were from Mexico that I could relate to no matter where we grew up.
A time I specifically remember was not so long ago when a friend of mine invited me to a Hispanic Heritage Month event in Austin and I saw a danza de matlachines; a very popular dance troupe in Xilitla, San Louis Potosí. La huasteca de San Louis Potosi and náhuatl was something I also grew up around, and I felt such a disconnection from it since I hadn’t been back home for as long as I could remember. Seeing it be appreciated in Austin was what filled me with such emotions and appreciation of my culture.
Growing up and identifying yourself with two different identities can be so much more difficult than a lot of people can realize. I remember going back and forth between saying how I’m American since I was born in the U.S., but that I’m also Mexican because I grew up there as well, yet still received my education and continue to do so in the U.S.
It almost felt as if I was never enough to identify with either culture simultaneously, like I was less than. Yet, as I’ve grown on my own and experienced new things, I’ve learned it’s such a unique and powerful identity to be able to be a mixture of. Therefore, I have come to embrace the beauty of my culture, recognizing it as a source of strength and resilience that enriches my self-identity.