There’s something quite unsettling about lying in bed, surrounded by darkness (my sunset lamp being an exception). My mind races a mile a minute as I ache to be snoring in bliss. I watch the seconds tick by as my night becomes plagued with insomnia, something a little too familiar for us all. The lack of sleep has left me with a whirlwind of thoughts. The third night in a row I’ve been up till 7 am, and it’s become an experience marked with restlessness, uncertainty, and an overpowering sense of chaos. I’ve finally given up on trying to sleep, so I might as well figure out what might be causing this relentless turmoil in my mind.
Is it my weight of worries?
My nights have slowly become a cycle of worry, every concern demanding attention, leaving me tossing and turning. The thought of deadlines slowly but steadily approaching becomes a heavier burden, with a growing sense of urgency and dread. I’ll end up in some deep rabbit hole about the essay I need to write, the detox routine I need to start, or how I should probably start figuring out how to pay my taxes. Should I invest in a 401K? I need to start crocheting because I need a new hobby. Every thought only builds up anxiety. Every fear and doubt becomes amplified when I have time to think. With that, sleep only seems to slip further from my grasp.
Is it my regrets? My what-ifs?
It’s funny how my detective comes out at night. My mind scours through every memory, finding all regrets, all unanswered questions. Every mistake, every wrong turn, every unspoken word is broken down, all in vivid detail. Each what-if and could-have-been taunts me and entraps me in a cycle of remorse and doubt. It seemed as though the wound had healed, but each night I became vulnerable to the sting I felt so long ago. The echo of every mistake drowns out the heaviness of my eyes, and the regrets overpower my body’s need to rest.
Is it my quest for peace?
Despite my efforts to quiet the chaos in my head, my mind desperately seeks solutions to problems that I (realistically) cannot resolve in one night. Nonetheless, I get pulled into this web of worry and confusion. I’m chasing answers that aren’t even logical; answers that only leave me lost and exhausted. That frustration only leaves me feeling defeated. The aspect of waking up at a decent time the next day becomes so overwhelming. I beg my mind to give me a moment of silence. A moment is all I would need to fall asleep, but even then trying to chase something only makes it that much harder to get.
Is it just a random string of thoughts?
Explain to me why half of my thoughts are useless. It’s like that scene from Inside Out when the workers keep sending the gum commercial, again and again. Sometimes it’s a song from The Greatest Showman. Sometimes it’s the car accident I got into when I was 9. Sometimes it’s a birthday gift for my sister. Sometimes it’s an inside joke that my friends had in seventh grade. Sometimes it’s what I should order from Amazon. It all becomes hours of conversations that render themselves pointless at 4 am. I get stuck in a trance of thinking and thinking and thinking. It’s crazy how I use my brain more at night than in my college classes.
“My day starts backwards… I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake”
Unknown
Is survival out of the question?
In this chaos, I’ve come to realize that finding peace amidst a restless mind requires a different kind of strengthā€”a willingness to surrender control and embrace the chaos. Rather than searching for solutions, I’ve learned to simply be with my thoughts, allowing them to just be. I’m reminded that sometimes, the path to peace is not about finding solutions, but about learning to coexist with the chaos. By embracing my thoughts, I’ve discovered a newfound sense of resilience and acceptanceā€”yes my mind will probably never give me peace, but that only serves as a reminder that even in the darkest of nights, there is beauty to be found in the chaos.
P.S. This website somewhat helped me ;) https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/08/18/overthinking-insomnia-worry-sleep-strategies/