On October 22, I turned 21. Very exciting in theory, I know. But something felt different this year. With each passing year, I’ve found a sense of sadness and fear in my birthdays, and this year, it weighed on me even more. “This is the last birthday that matters,” my brother joked, but in a way, it felt true. By the end of the day, I decided that this feeling is okay and should be more normalized, as I know many people my age who haven’t had a birthday without tears since childhood. Yet, for some reason, nothing eased the guilt I felt for being emotional and blue on my day of celebration.
Transitioning from living with family to living alone makes birthdays feel much lonelier. There is a large difference in the way the day feels. You have friends, but everyone has their own lives. It’s no longer sharing a cookie cake in the homeroom of your third-grade classroom. As a young adult, it’s hard to adjust to celebrating yourself in small ways instead of being celebrated by others all day. I’m not saying nobody celebrated me—I truly did have an amazing day—but it was a normal Tuesday. I woke up, went to my classes, did homework, ate lunch alone. And this felt exponentially lonelier than my usual Tuesdays.
Looking back on the day, it was wonderful. Everyone I love made time to call or text, and when the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I blew out a candle and hugged my cat. It was a moment of peace in a way. I felt proud of myself for how far I have come at such a young age. Twenty-one is not the last birthday that matters. I feel things so deeply because that is the way I love. I felt so cared for by my friends, family, and even myself that day, regardless of the distance of many of them. I ended my day with my family and my first-ever legal drink (an espresso martini, of course).
I will probably cry on my next birthday (and the one after that), but that is something I admire about myself. How lucky am I to have empathy for myself? It shows self-love. How lucky am I to feel overwhelmed by my loved ones’ words to me on that day? It shows I am cherished by others. How lucky am I to make it yet another year with so many accomplishments, mistakes made, and lessons learned under my belt? It shows growth. Another year older, another year wiser. Thank you, birthday blues; you taught me something for 21.