The Fear Of Losing Ourselves

I think of where I am and how happy I am to be here. I’m in a place where I feel true to myself and who I am. I am learning to value myself. I feel inspired, motivated, and empowered. I constantly look forward to trying new things and enjoying the novelty of experiences. I feel at peace with myself. I like the environment I’m in and the close connections I’ve built with some of my peers. I appreciate the beauty of my space.  

I cherish the people I meet and the small interactions I encounter. I like the vision of my ability to find peace within my surroundings. These experiences hold very close to my heart that I fear letting go. 

I think of the feelings that I’ve experienced and the fears that I’ve lost. The places I’ve been and the songs I’ve heard. Some night drives and morning sunrises. Some warm hugs and some alone walks. I like to be here. But I’m starting to realize that my now won’t last for a long time. Oftentimes we fear losing someone who was close to our heart and sometimes we fear losing a part of us. 

As I start to cherish these small pieces of joy, it breaks my heart knowing that I won’t be able to feel this again. I’m afraid to let this go. I’m afraid to lose this piece of me. I’m afraid to let my version of this go. Perhaps it will still be inside me, the curious self of me, but as I grow older I fear that I will start to lose that part of me. 

I’ll learn to find joy in other things, maybe in the unknown. Perhaps I’ll get used to my life and learn to love that side of me. Perhaps I’ll find a new side of me that I’ll completely fall in love with. But deep down, knowing my older self, I know I’ll look back and think about how amazing that side was. 

I’ll miss these moments I’m living right now. 

I know it’s inevitable to pause this time, but I often find myself lost in my own thoughts about my love for different versions of myself. The old me and the new me that I am becoming. I love myself right now but I miss the old version of me. I miss her simplicity and her evocative energy. 

I close my eyes and look back trying to feel the wind again that once blew my hair. I close my eyes to see the moon reflecting in the seas at night in the cold breeze. But no matter how hard I try, those have become images in my head. I don’t feel the wind how I felt standing there watching the sea. 

In moments like these, I wish I could go back just for a while to live in those moments one more time. 

I do, however, have the small pieces that I’ve collected in myself. Those images hold a place close to my heart. Even though I won’t ever be able to feel exactly how the old me felt, I’ll remember that it was still a part of me that once was able to feel that wind. The old me will still be part of the new me and that is enough. 

In the end, it will be me. And I’ll know all the beautiful moments I got to live because it was with me.