What is the point of sending an apology message on New Year’s Eve? You must be thinking I’m asking a redundant question, but how many times have you sent one or even received one? If you were the one sending it, I’m sure it was accompanied by many nerves and relief of finally “getting it off your chest.” However, if you’re on the receiving end, like I have been quite a few times, the reaction can range from complete confusion all the way to tears and frustration. My final day of 2023 definitely had it’s array of diverse emotions, like any other day, but this one was briefly interrupted by someone who I worked really hard to distance myself from.
I met this person my senior year of high school and I don’t believe I’ve been the same since. I was so negatively impacted by him, that I’m embarrassed to even speak on or publicly write about that time in my life. I know how horrible it feels to constantly have to rethink your worth and believe that you’re not pretty enough, interesting enough, or even enough for a simple conversation. A part of me tried to understand and relate to what he was doing to me, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I still felt incredibly empty and worthless. That memorable time in my life as a high school senior is laced with his memory and I always wish I could’ve been stronger during that time. He didn’t deserve to know me, or have any access to me, but I let him because I still wanted him around.
I received his message around the time I was going to dinner with my family. Initially, I was quite shocked and felt like I was pushed back into my last semester of high school. After letting my friends and family know about what had just happened, I was left to really think about what my next actions would be, if any. A part of me felt as if he was only apologizing to clean his slate and feel better about himself. Although I appreciated finally getting a real apology, I didn’t think it should’ve taken him until the last day of the year to come clean about his guilt. I know now that he understands there was no excuse for his actions and that I’m not the same person he was able to play over and over again. I realized that his apology doesn’t let him back into my life, nor does it mean I’m obligated to respond or acknowledge that I actually read the message.
Something that really stood out to me and many others was this one line in the message that really showed the audacity he clearly still carries around. He stated that he wouldn’t have texted me unless he knew I didn’t slightly feel the same as him. I don’t know where that assumption came from, or where he must’ve heard something like that, but there isn’t even the slightest chance that I would want to speak to him again or rekindle the friendship that only he misses so much.
For a few hours, I truly believed I was going to respond to him, but my friends and family helped me realize there was no point. I thought about what it must’ve taken for him to finally own up to his actions, and while that’s great, I don’t forgive him for how his actions impacted me. He’s never going to understand that. I knew that a response is exactly what he would’ve wanted from me, so I resisted the “for the plot” temptation that I’m quite used to. I spent so much wasted time falling for his trap over and over again, that I won’t do it again this time. I’m not a pawn in his game, or someone for him to fall back on when he’s bored with another one of his new shiny toys. He’s an impossible person to satisfy, and I know now that it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me.
We weren’t even really friends because he never allowed a foundation for that to build. As I spent more time with him, I kind of realized that I didn’t even want to be because I didn’t find him and his friends funny, or him all that interesting to be honest. That “natural” energy he touched on between us means nothing to me because he truly acts like that with everyone he meets. It’s as if every new person he encounters is the most interesting person he’s ever met, and I know I felt that way at one point. But, he’s stuck on our initial meeting, those first two weeks that we both really enjoyed. However, I realized that I didn’t feel like that for the majority of us knowing each other, so why would I want that energy back?
I understand what it’s like to send a text message like that to someone and for them not to respond. In my case, after reaching out again, we were able to talk one last time before officially parting ways. Knowing that I was once in his position almost pushed me to respond, but I knew it was time for me to put myself first. I’m learning that not everything needs a response, nor does everything need a reaction. I hope this guy understands why I’m not giving him the satisfaction that he wants. I had to rebuild myself over and over again, so that I know I’m deserving of the love, kindness and respect that his actions nevery conveyed.
I ended up forgetting about his message because I was able to focus on what really mattered around me, which were my family and best friends. Their words brought me the courage to be strong and keep myself from falling back into my old patterns. I thought it over a couple times after that, and again, when he texted me about five days later, but in this case, I will not respond to him. I used to be a very reactive person and say what I had to say, but not this time. I’m moving past that because there isn’t a point to it. I appreciate his apology, but I didn’t need to cut him off for him to finally see my value and realize his mistakes.