The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Toronto MU chapter.

There’s a video of my mom and I from when I was around eight years old, where we’re outside of my grandmother’s house on a walk. I’m in tears; my tiny chest heaving for air. I now recognize my behaviour as anxiety.

While I don’t remember what I was so anxious about — knowing me, it could have been anything — I can still relate to the feeling that little me had. In the video, my mom asks me, “Do you want to run with me?” She had meant it literally but had also known — as she tends to — just what I had wanted. In an instant, my tears stopped, and my breathing slowed. “Yeah,” I replied. And so, we ran. Yes, this is a true story.

I don’t know if it was that moment that started it all or if that’s just one obvious example, but running from things comes easy to me. I am — to this day — someone who has to try hard not to run from the things that exist outside my comfortable reality, and there are many. But now, as I move into my early 20s, I realize I can’t keep running forever.

I’ve been pondering all of this recently because I was accepted into an exchange program and will likely spend a semester next year in Europe. That is so far out of my comfort zone that a part of me considered turning it down. Why would I go when I could stay at home and live in the endless comfort of my bedroom?

I have had many bad days and shed many tears to get to this point in my life. I was a shy kid. I would always get comments on my report cards saying I should participate more in class and with my peers. There were many sleepovers I had as a child where someone’s parents had to drive me home late at night. I struggle with socializing and making friends.

There were years in my early teens when I didn’t have many friends or much companionship outside of my family. I think that sometimes people forget that even though introverts struggle with constant socialization and those with social anxiety sometimes avoid social interaction, that doesn’t mean we are never lonely. A lot of the years when I was in my teens and living in my comfort bubble, I was exceptionally lonely.

It was hard to be so torn between wishing my life was a certain way, but when opportunities arose to change those things, I didn’t like it. The anxiousness I felt didn’t feel worth the reward. I struggle being away from home, even though I want to travel. There are many specific things I fear will go wrong when I step out of my comfort zone. I fear illness and getting into a bad situation I can’t get out of, even though sometimes I just want to be young and dumb. I’m always afraid things will and have gone wrong.

But I want to say that all those experiences I’ve described have made me appreciate the good things more. Once I made it past those awkward and lonesome years and made it to university, I had good friendships with people who helped me push myself out of my comfort zone.

I won’t say anyone pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do, but I think if it weren’t for those invitations and pulls out into the world, I might not be where I am today. I know myself better now, and I know that I’m capable of doing difficult things. I’ve done many of the things that 16-year-old me never thought I would. I’ve learned that I can challenge myself and push beyond my comforts by myself and without help.

A lot of the time, I still revert to my comforts and stay in the bubble that always feels safe. I’ve also come to realize that some of my comforts are a part of my life, and that’s okay, too. The simplest example is going to a restaurant I know and love instead of somewhere new. Watching a comfort movie instead of something I’ve never seen before.

It’s okay to need time alone and not always want to go to the same lengths as everyone else. It’s okay to have boundaries and to feel like things are harder than they are for other people. It’s okay to experience the world differently than you think you should.

I think that sometimes the things that scare me the most are the ones I should pursue. Often, the things I regret are the things I didn’t do, especially when that part of me that exists apart from my fears is telling me to do them. I have to appreciate the difference between boundaries and limitations. There are things that I just can’t let myself run away from, regardless of fear.

Anxious Habits: Reflecting on Routine and Anxiety in My 20s

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