I turn 20 years old soon. It’s supposed to be an exciting time – entering a new decade of life and all – but I am just filled with a mortifying dread; one that makes me want to cling onto my teen years for dear life.
There are many reasons for this rationally-irrational fear of mine. For starters, my early 20s are when I’ll be finishing school (at least, that’s the current plan). School has been the main focus of my life for years but now it’s only a matter of time before I’m unshackled from it forever – what do I do then? Summer vacations were already empty without me having something to do, a constant to keep me busy – soon, this emptiness will be year-round. What am I supposed to do with the gaping hole left by my academic responsibilities? Get a mediocre job? Travel the world? Write a screenplay? What?
Not only are things being left behind in your teen years, but there’s a lot of pressure that comes attached to your 20s. For whatever reason, these are the years when everyone expects you to get married, buy a home, have kids, etc, etc. Where did my life go? Just a minute ago my main concern was getting at least 90 per cent on a final paper but now I’m suddenly worrying about my non-existent kids’ education? There’s nothing wrong with striving for all these in your 20s but, as an impending expectation rather than a fulfilling desire, the pressure weighs down on my lungs one imaginary scenario at a time.
On top of all the burdens of the hypothetical, there are the very real adult responsibilities. “Welcome to your life,” they say. “Here, file your taxes, maintain a home, and figure out the rest as you go. Have fun!” Like, what?
I’m the kind of person that needs a compass; something or someone to tell me the direction I must go and what I must do in order to get there – there always has to be a certain end and a certain means to get there. Now, the needle is spinning all over the place, taking me in circles through a maze of uncertainty – there’s no direction, only obligations; ones I haven’t learned how to fulfill. This dizzy mind and pair of wobbly legs seem far too incapable of leading me through my own life – I can’t see straight.
These past paragraphs have been all over the place but, in all fairness, so am I. Deep inside I know my 20s are still just the beginning but, from where I’m currently standing, they seem like a looming shadow about to crash down on my entire life and destroy what I’ve cried and bled building just to leave a black emptiness to be refilled with a new existence. Do I really have the strength to leave this life behind and enter unarmed and vulnerable into an entirely new one?