*Warning: Spoilers Ahead*
The portrayal of domestic violence against women in pop culture often raises a frustrating question in the minds of an audience. Upon watching a character face abuse at the hands of their partner, I always think to myself, “Why do they stay?” That was until I read It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover, a novel recently popularized by #BookTok, the side of TikTok that encapsulates all things book-related, including reviews and recommendations.
It Ends With Us is the story of Lily Bloom, a young woman who grew up witnessing her mother as a victim of her father’s physical and emotional abuse. Besides the resentment Lily holds for her father, she also swears to never be like her mother who passively chooses to stay in such a relationship. After moving from her hometown in Maine to Boston, Lily falls in love with a neurosurgeon named Ryle. The seemingly wonderful relationship goes sour when Atlas – Lily’s long-lost first love – re-enters the picture. One complication leads to another, and Lily finds herself in a mess of jealousy, betrayal and… you guessed it – physical abuse. This is the ironic tale of how Lily and Ryle’s relationship becomes exactly what she swore she’d never tolerate.
Colleen Hoover paints a vivid experience of Lily’s thought process, immersing the reader into the mind of a character as much as words on a piece of paper possibly can. Every step of the way, we experience Lily’s emotions in great detail. As a compassionate but self-aware character, she finds herself battling her own mindset. Lily repeatedly falls victim to Ryle’s manipulation while simultaneously trying to drag herself out of becoming like her mother. Hoover captures the duality of a daughter and later on a wife of an abusive man, and how having the former experience saved Lily’s adult life:
“The reasoning is the hardest part of this. It eats at me, little by little, wearing down the strength my hatred lends to me. The reasoning forces me to imagine our future together, and how there are things I could do to prevent that anger. I’ll never betray him again. I’ll never keep secrets from him again. I’ll never give him reason to react that way again. We’ll both just have to work harder from now on.” (pg 282)
Lily, because of her childhood experience, knows that excuses made to defend an abuser sound ridiculous for bystanders. There is no such thing as “reasoning,” or “valid excuses,” but from an internal perspective, her mind can’t help but focus on the small arguments that become the catalysts of such encounters. Meanwhile, she forgets to focus on the unnecessarily dramatic reactions from her husband. Lily’s ability to admit the duality of her mind is what makes her a dynamic character that an audience can empathize with.
Regardless of whether or not a victim decides to stay in an abusive relationship, Lily challenges the perception we have of victims. Lily’s character, instead of viewing victims as weak, forces the audience to shift their criticism to the abusers themselves:
“Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers?” (pg 283)
A testament to Lily’s character development, this quote near the end of the book sticks out as a stark contrast to the words of teenage Lily. Earlier in her life, Lily harshly expresses the disappointment she feels towards her mother, who she describes as passive and cowardly for tolerating her father time after time. Reading this book felt like I was growing up with Lily and shifting my own concern towards what really matters: Criticizing the abusers rather than the abused.
Overall, Hoover’s presentation of Lily’s repetitive back and forth between forgiveness and standing up for herself is something that often gets the reader just as confused as the main character. By immersing us all into her world, Hoover has built more than a novel. Hoover’s writing is almost a manual for women to detect toxic partners and build up the strength to walk away. “Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break,” says Lily. “It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern.” I would definitely recommend It Ends With Us to anyone as it can help us understand the depth and complexities of abuse and the rewarding path of choosing oneself over broken love.