Many of us believe we have strict parents. The term itself is quite subjective and can vary by household, or by perspective of parent or child.
Some of us are told we can’t have sleepovers, while others are told they aren’t allowed to cut their hair any shorter than shoulder length. Some of us have strict curfews, while others need to be home by whatever time their parents come up with that day.
For many of us, this strictness didn’t end when we turned 18. Instead, it can last for as long as we depend on our parents. One may argue that such parents are simply looking out for their children, and they implement certain rules to protect their kids from all that is out there.
However, as many may notice, sometimes parent’s rules don’t carry justification. Adults may tell children to stay quiet during “grown-up conversations”, be home by 8 p.m. on a Saturday, or not to drive outside the city. When they question their parents’ restrictions, they are often told, “Because I said so.”
Although implementing these rules can allow parents to feel like they have control over their children’s safety and choices, this isn’t always true.
A study published by the Journal of Adolescence explains that a wide range of parental interactional behaviours are associated with academic achievement and psychological development in children and adolescents. It was found that parental involvement is ultimately the most important factor in comparison to autonomy granting and strictness when it comes to adolescents’ self-regulation. Overall, parents’ involvement in their children’s lives is often an important factor behind “good kids.”
Ever since I was old enough to leave the house without my parents worrying about me while crossing the street, I have found myself conversing with my friends about the restrictions their parents have placed. I remember being in middle school and hearing that one of my friend’s parents refused to let her have a say in the clothes they bought her. She explained that it was simply because they were “overprotective.”
I think the intentions of many parents, including my own, are in the best interests of their children, however, what is lacking is a reasonable explanation as to why they choose to raise them a certain way. Although one can argue that a 12-year-old may not be mature and willing enough to understand why their parents want them to dress a certain way, it’s also arguable that a 12-year-old deserves to have an input in the clothes they wear.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve witnessed those I know changing outfits once they arrive at school, lying to their parents about their plans, or finding ways to convince their parents that their grades are in fact better than ever. Living a life of restriction often only lasts so long for children of strict parents. Eventually, many children will find the courage to do what they’ve always wanted.
Coming from someone who has had a strict upbringing, I feel it’s important that parents talk to their kids and explain to them the reasoning behind their rules and restrictions. Whether it be based on religion, culture, safety, or worry, it’s important to acknowledge and explain the reason behind the rules they implement. Acknowledging why someone may choose to raise their child a certain way can also allow them to think about whether their rules are in the child’s best interest, or are simply implemented because of other people.
Social pressure should not be a driving factor in how a parent chooses to raise their child. Of course, reading blogs and listening to other parents’ advice on being a good parent can be helpful. However, at the end of the day, someone should decide what they need to do to take care of their child, while also treating them with respect and love, allowing them to grow, and giving them the ability to come to their parent if they are ever in trouble.
Ultimately, one’s goal as a parent should be to communicate openly with their child. This can also help them feel comfortable coming to their parent about their struggles and mistakes. If you are a parent, ask your child about their friends and their personal life. Learn about their struggles and interests. Build trust with them and avoid being judgemental. Give them the space to tell you where they are going and what they are doing. Encourage them to give you a call or send you a text if they are ever in trouble and don’t know what to do.
As a parent, it’s your job to be on their side. You don’t need to be their best friend, nor do you need to let them get away with being irresponsible or disrespectful. However, you need to make them feel safe, not only from the world but also from you.