Relationships are a very huge part of our existence – when we are with someone, we shape our lives, our day-to-day and even our future around this one person. We dream to spend a future with them. Our lives get tangled up together. But when the relationship comes to an end, it is hard to move on.
A while ago, my partner and I mutually ended our relationship. We had been together since I was 17. I still remember the day he asked me to be his girlfriend after taking me to a Khalid concert downtown and buying me an iced coffee at a 24-hour Tim Hortons – we had been together ever since.
It’s crazy how many little details you remember about a person. The way they smell; how their eyes crinkle; the freckles and spots on their cheeks, arms or legs; how they take their coffee; and how to relax them after a long day. You remember their favourite songs, colour and season—all for it to come to an abrupt end.
When a long-term relationship comes to an end, it can be extremely difficult. I felt distraught. Isolated. Even though it was mutual, it felt as though I lost my best friend. My person. “There is a gap in my life where that person used to be, and I am unsure of who I am without them.”
I feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. They were my favourite person. Literally, my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) “favourite person.” A BPD-favourite person is the individual that one wants to spend all their time with. If that can’t happen, then feelings of abandonment and fear become triggered. To a person with BPD, this favourite person is the most important person in their life – a source of happiness, love and validation.
When my partner and I decided to end our relationship, I felt like I was losing all my happiness in this world. It felt like my world suddenly just stopped. It was because a lot of my happiness relied on this person – which was not good for myself, nor them, and it was something I needed to fix.
Before moving on, one needs to understand that the process is obviously going to be difficult. It is okay to grieve, cry and want to stay away from others, and it is valid to want to stay in bed and take a leave from work. Falling down is okay. But it is not okay to stay there and never try to get better.
Moving on is more than just letting go of a person. You have to bring change into your life to fill the gap that person used to be in. I was unsure of who I was without them, and I needed to cleanse my mind, mindset and routine after they left.
I had to accept and embrace reality. When in a relationship, we both dreamed of possibilities of our future together, a world in which we experienced everything with one another. But when my partner was no longer there, I had to start again. I had to start imagining and planning a new future in which this person no longer existed — but it is what it is. I had to plan a new life without getting back with them and allowing myself to grieve their absence.
I had to accept the fact that maybe we just were not meant to be. Accept the idea that being without them as my partner will make me better, make them better, and set myself free. I am allowing myself to grow.
I had to look in the mirror. In many relationships, we tend to associate a lot of our worth around what our partner thinks; we shape ourselves so completely around them that we might lose sight of ourselves and forget that loving ourselves is just as important as loving someone else.
When my relationship ended, I had the time to focus on myself entirely. Focus on bettering my health, mentality and skills and getting closer to my goals. One thing I did decide to do was to finally attend therapy. I am in a Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) group for my borderline personality disorder and individual therapy to talk about my trauma. I am trying to get back on track with schoolwork and attempting to better my physical health by going to the gym. I find that by focusing on myself, on falling in love with myself after the end of a breakup, I am bringing peace into my mind. I am improving my mental stability and increasing my self-esteem.
Most importantly, I needed a detox from them. It’s hard to move on when you’re surrounded by little things that remind you of them – whether it be their playlists, their clothes or their gifts. But I got rid of it all. The clothes that smelled like him, the little notes he wrote for me and the playlist he made for me titled ‘bunny.’ And I did this to relieve myself. I can do it, I said. You can get through the rough times and not need them in your life.
One thing I got asked after my breakup was if I burned all the bridges. Am I still in contact with them? It’s absurd to think of not being their friend. They know me better than anyone knows me, and they understand the situation and pain I’m going through because they’re going through the same emotions.
Although they are still my friend, I also know I need to work on truly letting them go. It is not easy — and I plan on taking it day by day.