This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Toronto MU chapter.
Did you miss the Grammys last night because you were nose-deep in studying?Don’t you worry, we have you covered!
Pre-Show:
- Iggy Azalea, sensing that she was leaving the Grammys later that night with little more than hemorrhoids from remaining seated for so long, took her frustration out on Papa John’s.
- Once she’d rested her weary thumbs, she set about proving all those who dared call her racist wrong, crafting a hair-iffic homage to the traditional jewish bread, challah, atop her alabaster head.
- Rihanna declared her intentions to clear up at next year’s show with R8 by throwing on some loofah couture that was…quite visible.
The Show:
- AC/DC opened up the show, leaving countless youths scratching their heads and desperately shazam-ing.
- And then LL Cool J came out to collect his annual hosting paycheck.
- Iggy Azalea lost her second grammy of the night.
- Ariana Grande took to the stage to distract the audience from Iggy’s wrath, performing a song that the general public had likely never heard before.
- This did not go over well with the individual in charge of the fog machine, who proceeded to attempt to suffocate the non-fat soy latte no foam extra hot with fog.
- The camera rolled back to LL, who looked thoroughly unimpressed with the songstress.
- In keeping with the theme of “Ariana and Friends”, Jessie J strutted out on stage to remind North America that she still exists.
- Jessie was joined by Tom Jones. They did not bring Ariana back on stage to perform Bang Bang feat. Jones spitting Nicki Minaj’s verse. It was tragic.
- Once the audience woke up, Pharrell won a grammy and took to the stage without his signature hat…or the bottom half of his pants.
- Following this was a performance by Miranda Lambert, come to remind Taylor Swift of her betrayal of her true country roots.
- One TSwizzle had learned her lesson, George Harrison was awarded the Lifetime Achievement award.
- The camera naturally panned to Paul McCartney.
- Sam Smith took home his second grammy, revealing the true gay agenda.
- Desperate to prove he was more than Kim K’s stylist, Kanye took to the stage to perform his ode to NorthWest Airlines.
- Miley Cyrus joined her visibly displeased sobriety coach Nicki Minaj to introduce their mutual friend, Madonna.
- There was a dramatic cape flourish.
- Madonna refused to let her age stop her as she frantically did her best to “turn up” amidst a subtle backing track…because Madonna is synonymous with subtle.
- The nominees for Rock Album of the Year were announced, and in what was clearly an oversight, Iggy Azalea was not amongst them.
- (Beck won.)
- The googling of his name commenced as millions began to wonder who this man was.
- Naturally, Beyonce won an award for Drunk In Love. She was kind enough to thank yours truly personally during her acceptance speech, thanking me for “riding so hard”.
- In an attempt to draw in the preteen audience, the Grammys let professional ginger Ed Sheerhan perform.
- This dovetailed into some old white men playing instruments while Paul McCartney sang along in the audience.
- Ryan Seacrest stopped trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians long enough to introduce Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani.
- Iggy was robbed of yet another Grammy, and the depth of the oppression she faces became clear. Someone had lied to her about her odds, and now she had a hair-basket on her head for naught.
- Annie Lennox performed in a flashy sequin top that proved to Rihanna just who shined like a diamond.
- Nickelodeon took over the stage briefly while Nick Jonas and Meghan Trainor came forth to announce the winner of Best Country Album, which was somehow not awarded to true country icon Iggy Azalea.
- Pharrell Williams took his lunch break from working as a bellhop at the Onyx Hotel (REFERENCE!) to perform Happy. From two years ago.
- Obama shaded the entire Grammy committee by speaking about abuse to an audience that had given Eminem the Grammy for best Rap Album just hours prior.
- Katy Perry exploited a victim of domestic abuse to provide a segue into a low-budget ballad.
- It became clear she’d used her entire production budget for the year on the Superbowl.
- Katharine McPhee wandered onstage to her underrated “Over It” to remind people that she is in fact still looking for work and to introduce Mother Monster.
- Lady Gaga then took to the stage with a disoriented looking Tony Bennett.
- Usher was referred to as a “musical hero”
- He then, naturally, performed a ballad.
- Then Stevie Wonder came out playing the harmonica?
- What followed was a country sequence that culminated in Rihanna ending up on stage.
- She brought along ‘Ye and breaking new artist, Paul McCartney to help her lull the audience to sleep so she could steal herself a suit that wasn’t from the big and tall department.
- The camera panned to the embarrassment that is Ariana’s older brother for an inexplicably long period of time.
- Sam Smith, he of the inability to lose an award, performed Stay With Me with Mary J. Blige, whose ad-libs were the most interesting part of the evening up to that point.
- Prince came up to announce Album of the Year and provided the most memorable performance of the evening when he announced that “just like books and black lives, albums still matter”. Shockingly, he did not drop the mic.
- (Beck won.)
- Beck Taxi took to twitter to take advantage of the moment.
- Kanye rushed to intercept him, proving he alone is the president of the Beyhive.
- Google momentarily crashed as every Grammy viewer desperately tried to find out who Beck was.
- Perpetually-in-time-out chanteuse Sia stood in a corner and sang Chandelier while Kristen Wiig and that little girl from Dance Moms ran around a set and knocked things over. It becomes the most upbeat song performed all night.
- Max Martin won producer of the year. If you’re unfamiliar with the name I must ask that you exit this window and educate yourself forthwith.
- Beck performed. Bing and Yahoo saw record traffic as people desperately searched for answers Google coukd not provide.
- Sam Smith wins Record of the Year. He becomes sassy and thanks the man who didn’t love him back for winning him four grammys.
- Sensing that the mood had grown too exciting for the seniors watching, the Grammys provided a montage of those we lost this year to remind us all of our mortality.
- They forgot to include Simone Battale.
- Gwyneth Paltrow came forth to talk about “difficult times”, because who else better to talk about struggle than Goop?
- Beyonce came on stage looking radiantly divine.
- And stood there.
- It was glorious, watching her school Katy Perry on how to stand still in a white gown.
After Show:
- Iggy returned to twitter to continue yelling at Papa John’s and misspell the word “lose”. Grammar is hard. As is getting a Grammy.