Dear Andi,
I’m not really into the dating scene. At this time in my life I think it’s more important to live life and have fun. Just because I’m not in love with the idea of being in love doesn’t mean I couldn’t use a few kisses and some good lovin’ every once in a while. How do I make it clear to a guy that I just want relations without a relationship without coming off slutty?
Sincerely,
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Sexless in Seattle,
All that is not in your favor can be boiled down to two simple words: Double Standard. If a guy wants to simply hook up with a girl while having no intentions of dating her, he will not be sanctioned for this. The media, pop culture, and society tell us that this is the standard—it is in a guy’s nature to act like this while girls are romantic and committed to relationships.
This couldn’t be more wrong. When it comes down to it—every person is different. Society should have no say in your personal sex or love life. I think it is important that you know where you stand in your life right now and that you know what you want. You reached a place in your life where you are comfortable with yourself. With that the only thing left to do is act upon it.
Flirt with a guy that you are attracted to, text him, Facebook him, etc. But when it comes to hooking up with him in any way—it is crucial to establish your boundaries beforehand. Let him know that you are not the type of girl to go home with different guys every night and hook up with random people on a whim. That being said, tell him you are into him, but you are not looking for anything serious and you just want a casual hook-up with someone who can respect you as a woman and your wishes.
It is important that you say that you’re not that type of girl beforehand because if you just say that you only want to hook up, you run the risk of him getting the wrong idea about you. He needs to know that your hooking-up with him is a conscious choice and not a thoughtless action. Should he think he is just a one night stand, he will treat you likewise. The reason for this is that guys are just as insecure as us! And they have even bigger egos. So don’t damage his ego and let him know that you are attracted to him, but want to avoid a relationship until you are ready. If he knows this, he should see you in a more respectful light. After all there is a difference between sex outside of a bf/gf relationship and meaningless sex.
Another important thing is to be realistic about the relationship between you both. While you may not date, a relationship will indefinitely exist. Set the boundaries for that relationship. Is it okay to talk about things going on in your life? Do you guys hang out? Do you hook up or date other people? These are things that both of you should figure out before getting involved. Find out where on the spectrum between a Booty Call and Friends with Benefits.
Unfortunately, some people might pass judgments—but if you are comfortable with your sexuality and decisions, you shouldn’t let them bring you down. The worse thing would be to force yourself into a relationship that your heart is not in just to avoid being stereotyped. In the long run you need to do what makes you happy. Just make sure the relations are mutually beneficial for both of you.
Xoxo Andi