Jumbo Defense Committee

Dear Tufts Students,

 

I am writing to inform you of a new threat to the safety of our ideal and chaste campus.  It has come to my attention, and the attention of the Board of Trustees, that certain groups of students are participating in daily or near-daily activities that they refer to as “showers.”

 

These “showers” involve students stripping fully naked and pouring water over themselves while standing on slippery tiles, often at early hours of the morning or late hours of the night.  On weekends, students are often intoxicated or hung-over, posing an even greater personal risk. A particularly malicious form of shower is the “couple’s shower,” in which, in violation of social mores and University protocols, students shower together.

 

The Super-Secret Student/Faculty Committee on Un-Tuftsy Activities, in cooperation with the Permanent Subcommittee on Things That Would Make Jumbo Cry, has agreed to consider including a ban of the “shower” in the student Code of Conduct for the School of Arts, Sciences and Engineering, the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, and the School of Arts and Crafts.  If passed, the Code would state that any student caught showering or suspected of showering will face a one-semester disciplinary suspension from Tufts.  We recommend the purchase of hooded, waterproof jackets, as it is up to the discretion of the administration how much rain counts as a shower, weathermen be damned.

 

I am asking for your cooperation and good judgment.  Showering is not worth any of you jeopardizing your academic record at the University.

 

The possible risks of showering far outweigh the benefits.  Reports have shown a positive correlation between Sexually Transmitted Infections, general cleanliness, and showers (especially couple’s showers).  University administrators, faculty, and public safety officials worry more about student safety related to this activity than anything else.  Students may express disgust at the smell of their classmates, but I assure you: you’ll get used to it.

 

The TCU Meteorological Committee reports that it may snow during the exciting and storied Tufts tradition of WinterFest.  Natural precipitation during WinterFest is not meant to replace showering, and it will be subject to the restrictions on total body hydration.

 

We know some students may wonder if the University is serious about enforcing the decision of the Committees.  We are.  Showering is a threat to society, and we will try to help lead you away from temptation by arresting and suspending you so that you avoid the permanent record that results from arrest and suspension. Yes, you read that correctly.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Barry Krakow

 

Deputy Dean of Student Affairs, and Co-Chair, Permanent Subcommittee on Things That Would Make Jumbo Cry

Image: hci.cs.tufts.edu