| 9 San Marcos, TX Locals Weigh in on the Beautiful Tragedy of Letting Themselves Love |
I fall in love every day. Not with men, but with colors, with interactions, with routines and with the phenomenons around me. I love deeply and I cry easily. It’s a choice to live that way. It’s a choice to not build up a callousness to the intensity of feeling. I choose to look for the humanity in everyone I meet, because I see humans as the only timekeepers. The sun sets and rises, but humans and our connection are something that bring meaning to it all.
So, when I fell in love with someone for the first time, I fell hard. I fell deep. I felt the magic of all the love I hold for the world and held it in them. I lost myself in them.
When I felt heartbreak for the first time, I broke. The magic I saw in life and in myself flickered out.
I recently asked nine San Marcos locals about a heartbreak in their life, if it was worth the toll of falling, and how they dealt with the ending of that time in their life.
Keeping them anonymous, I interviewed a 40-year-old female, a 55-year-old male, a 28-year-old male, two 20-year-old females, two 21-year-old females, one 21-year-old male, and a 68-year-old female.
In this part two of a two-part series, a 68-year-old female, 40-year-old female, 20-year-old-female, 21-year-old female, and 21-year-old male give insight into…
PART 2
Here’s what they had to say.
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68-year-old female
“It’s just a tiny blip on the radar screen. You almost won’t even remember it, because the things that you remember most are those special little moments that bring you joy.”
Her Campus: When you fell in love with this person, did it feel like you stepped into their world or did it feel like they stepped into yours?
I: Definitely their world. It was a long time ago, because I’ve been married for 46 years. But kind of wanting to fit into an older guy’s world. Wasn’t my world at all.
HC: Did your reality change when you stepped into that world?
I: It was a one-way relationship. I was madly in love with him, I thought, and it turned out not to be a good relationship for my growth.
In fact, we argued about whether I should go to college back at the time. He didn’t want me to go to college, didn’t want me to go away a couple hours from my hometown to go to college.
HC: Whenever the heartbreak hit, was it actually during the relationship or was it the break up at the end?
I: Probably both. So the relationship probably lasted roughly three years when I was young and sort of an up and down, lots of fights, lots of little breakups and back together until finally the end.
And it always hurts for a little while and you realize you’ll be with somebody else and they don’t wanna stand in the way of what I need to do or what I want to do for my lifelong goals.
HC: What’s something you learned about yourself after that breakup?
I: That there’s so much more that I can do and be if someone isn’t trying to control me and where I can go and what I can do.
Is there anything that you learned about humans or the world?
I: It’s scary. I think part of the reason we stay in relationships, whether they’re good or not, is because it’s just inertia. It’s like, I’m in this rut and it’s almost like riding a bicycle in a deep rut, and you keep staying in that rut because it takes too much energy and action to jump out of that rut.
I think it’s just continuing doing the same old thing, and it’s scary to jump outside of the norm you’re doing every day- the guy you’ve known for a while.
HC: After the breakup, did you get to return to your world?
I: A whole different world. New friends, new places, new things. Pretty much everything is different other than having some goals that I wanted to. I had small goals I was working on accomplishing. But once you have those limiting relationships, those kinds of bondages broken, then things you haven’t even imagined that you could do open up.
HC: How did you process once the relationship ended? Five stages of grief?
I: I was pretty young and I just jumped into some new friendships, started dating a different guy for not that long, six months or so. I don’t even know if I knew how to grieve other than just partying with my friends and having a good time, going to the beach with my girlfriends.
Have you ever had to see a friend experience a breakup where you were able to see it from an outside perspective?
I: I have two younger sisters. They’ve both been married multiple times. One of them is now in a lasting marriage and the other one is a widow. So I’ve spent a lot of time talking with them, kind of helping them, you know, because it feels like the end of the world when you’re expecting a relationship to go on- like you’re never going to meet anybody else. You are comfortable in that relationship and it feels like you’ll never meet anybody that’ll be fun like that or appreciate you for who you are. And then you realize, when you look back on things, that it felt horrible at the time. It was painful at the time, but it gets better. You really have to have confidence that it’s going to get better. I’ve talked both my sisters through relationships like that.
If you imagine your highest self, your most healed self, and she’s looking back at the relationship you’re talking about, what’s her reflection?
I: It’s just a tiny blip on the radar screen. You almost won’t even remember it because the things that you remember most are those special little moments that bring you joy. I mean, just having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the patio with your boyfriend instead of, you know, you don’t have to go out on a fancy date or go on a fancy vacation.
But just having those little moments of joy, photographing wildflowers, just the tiny moments of joy. Those are the things you should be seeking out, because those are the ones that are going to last with you. Not so much the little relationships along the way that you thought were life-changing, but they’re just tiny things. You’ll get past all those things.
I think we find lasting joy in relationships that are authentic and two-way; people who help you grow and realize who you are and who you can be. So I just think about what gives me joy. Little things, bigger things.
Do you believe in love?
Absolutely. Been married 46 years. I love my two grandkids that are seven and 10 more than I ever could imagine loving anything or anybody in my whole life. They come with just a lot of the joys without the, you know, you’re not doing your homework kind of daily drive. You’re just like, ‘Oh my God. There’s these amazing little bitty human beings that are so wonderful.’
My son. Sometimes I just feel like my heart is going to burst. I love him so much, and when I spend time with him and his family, there’s definitely all kinds of love.
And I even love the people I work with. I love those people I work with. I don’t tell them because it would probably feel awkward to them if I did. But I do love those people I work with.
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40-year-old female
“I don’t want to be with a partner that doesn’t see me and doesn’t see the things in myself that I admire about myself. I have to be seen.”
Her Campus: When you fell in love with this person, did it feel like you stepped into their world or did it feel like they stepped into yours?
Interviewee: It happened kind of fast. Initially, I didn’t really think about that part of it. As time progressed, I realized that I definitely stepped into his world.
HC: Whenever the heartbreak hit, was it actually during the relationship or was it the break up at the end?
I: It was during, like halfway through.
HC: What’s something you learned about yourself after that breakup?
I: So much. I just need to be seen. I don’t want to be with a partner that doesn’t see me and see the things in myself that I admire about myself. I have to be seen.
HC: Did you learn anything about humans? Did you learn anything new about the world?
I: Some people just don’t get it. The accountability’s not there. A lot of it is going to stem from the way you were raised. Your nurture, your childhood. And you can’t change people. You can’t change, no matter how much you try or ask for it. They’re not going to change. They’re going to do it on their own, at their own pace.
HC: After the breakup, did you step out of that reality that you had stepped into with them?
I: I knew I was leaving like four years before it actually happened. I guess I fought that and repressed that feeling and pushed it back and tried to ignore it. But I knew. I started to think about leaving like four years prior, so it had been a long, slow process. And by the time I left, I had already stepped back into my own world, and there was a lot of separation between us before I even moved out.
That was a big one: the break versus the move, because we broke up when I was definitely checked out emotionally with him- a long time before I moved out. And so we were in separate rooms. We were still running a household together and getting along well.
I feel like when I opened the shop out of Covid, starting my own businesses and starting to do entrepreneur things and do things for myself, that’s when I really stepped into my own world.
And also when I was empowered enough to leave and knew that I was going to be able to support my kids emotionally and financially without him or without that relationship.
HC: If you imagine your highest self, your most healed self, and she’s looking back at the relationship you’re talking about, what’s her reflection?
I: It definitely was valuable. It definitely kept me grounded. I know what I don’t want moving forward. I just turned 40; I’ve had multiple long-term relationships, and I feel like with every one, you grow more and you know more about what you want, and you step more into yourself and know what relationships are going to serve you- not just love, or romantic relationships, but with friends and family as well. I think with every heartbreak and every loss, you learn a little bit more.
They say you lose a piece of yourself, but you actually gain it. I think you gain that empowerment and ability to decipher in the future. I have young friends that are going through it right now and dealing with shitty dudes and I don’t even wanna say anything or sit there and be that elder that lectures, because I wouldn’t have known. I wouldn’t have known better if I hadn’t gone through it.
And love prevails. Love is everything. And love isn’t lost. I’m already in love again and I didn’t even mean for it to happen. And I’m crazy in love. You can’t ever give up on it. It’s always going to be different.
Stay true to yourself and make sure that your partner is building you up. Your partner should make your life better and less stressful and fun, and enriched and beautiful. So don’t settle for less than that.
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20-year-old female
“No matter what point in my life that healed self is at, or what age that person is, I feel like they would be very grateful for having gone through something like this, because I doubt they would be that healed without this experience.”
Her Campus: When you fell in love with this person, did it feel like you stepped into their world or did it feel like they stepped into yours?
Interviewee: I feel like I have a unique experience, because we were already in the same world. We were very intertwined in our lives. We’d known each other for 10 years before we dated. So I feel like we just met in the middle and intertwined our lives together. And then it spiraled into it affecting everyone around us, the good and the bad. Then, it felt like whatever would happen with our relationship affected the relationships of everyone we were connected to as well. So I kind of felt like, not only did we meet and intertwine lives, we intertwined everyone’s lives as well.
HC: Whenever the heartbreak hit, was it actually during the relationship or was it the break up at the end?
I: I really feel like the heartbreak started right when we started dating. It was just ups and downs. The relationship deviated between heartbreak and happiness. The highs were really high, but the lows were rock bottom.
After we would hit rock bottom, which would happen every few weeks, it would take a lot of time to get back up to that high. After going through that cycle a lot, when I would get that high, in the back of my head, I was like, ‘So, this is obviously temporary. When’s the next time this is going to hit the fan again?’ The entire relationship was honestly just a heartbreak waiting to happen.
HC: What’s something you learned about yourself after that breakup?
I: I always try to see the best in people, even though sometimes it might not be there. I just want to believe that all humans want to love and want to give you the best that they can. But it’s just that, it’s not the case with everyone. Some people don’t always have pure intentions and don’t always want the best for you. They want the best for themselves first, and then you are an afterthought, and sometimes you’re not even an afterthought. So, if there’s one thing I learned, and that I try to carry on through my life, it’s to tread lightly.
HC: Did you learn anything about humans? Did you learn anything new about the world?
I: I learned life’s too short to dwell on people that don’t wanna give you the energy that you give back. We all have so much energy and love to give, especially women, and I feel like sometimes men don’t really- it takes a while for them to get there- and it does not mean that we have to wait for them to get there. Sometimes we can just go to someone who’s already there, and we can just be on each other’s wave. It doesn’t mean that we have to hold ourselves back to push someone ahead. Life’s too short.
HC: After the breakup, did it feel like you had to move to a different world? Did you have to get out of it?
I: With my breakup specifically, it was three people involved, when it should have only been two. Out of the three people involved, one person had to remove themselves from the situation. I did not try to move anyone or remove anyone, because I feel like we all had the same right to the same friends, because we shared them. I did feel like, if they felt like they had to remove themselves, then that’s them finally owning up to what they did.
That has nothing to do with me. I commend them for having enough self-reflection and making the decision for themselves that ‘Maybe this isn’t the environment for me.’ Because they tainted it. They tainted the entire environment. I did not feel like I had to remove myself from that world.
Still, being in that world made it harder because we were not together anymore, but we were still around the same people we used to be around when we were together. We were going to the same places we used to go when we were together. It’s not like I’m going to this coffee shop that we used to share and ‘you’re not there and it’s just me.’ We are hanging out together, and we had our first kiss there. We said ‘I love you’ there, and we’re there and it’s hard sometimes when you’re in that situation to not yearn for it and want to go back to it. But then you kind of have to remove yourself from where you are and look at it as like, ‘Sometimes a place is just a place.’
HC: How did you process once the relationship ended? Five stages of grief?
I: I feel like with the five stages of grief, what I find very interesting is I don’t think they happen in order. Sometimes you will go through denial, and then you’ll start your healing journey, and then you sometimes go back to denial and you’re like, ‘Wait, did this actually happen? Like am I tripping? How’d this happen?’
It’s not a gradual step-by-step thing that I went through personally. It was a messy, all-over-the- place situation. And I think that kind of ties back to us still having to be in each other’s lives.
Now, four years later, I was on the phone with him last week. We’re still in each other’s lives, but in the height of the heartbreak, it was a mess, honestly. I feel like we both tried to go through our heartbreak separately, but it was very hard because sometimes when we would see each other, it felt like our heartbreaks overlapped and we’d see each other, but we’re just not on the same page anymore.
HC: Was that eerie being in the same space as them, but they’re different?
I: I was there, but I felt like I was alienated. Even though no one made me feel like that. I just felt like in the breakups that I’ve had before this one, it was just like, ‘We’re done,I never see you again and we move on.’ But having to see that person consistently after, it felt like I didn’t belong there anymore, just because I didn’t belong with him.
I was like, ‘I don’t belong anywhere near the people that we share or the places that we share.’ So I just felt alienated.
If you imagine your highest self, your most healed self, and she’s looking back at the relationship you’re talking about, what’s her reflection?
I: I feel like my healed self would be very grateful for that experience. No matter what point in my life that healed self is at, or what age that person is, I feel like they would be very grateful for having gone through something like this, because I doubt they would be that healed without this experience.
Because this experience has taught me so much about what it means to be in love, but also to hate that person at the same time.
That juxtaposition is something not all humans can do, because those are two very extreme, opposite-end feelings. When you have both of them towards one person, it’s so hard to navigate if something you experience with them is adding to the love or to the hate because it’s just a messy world. And I feel like my healed self would be able to navigate that, and that’s thanks to this experience.
HC: Do you believe in love?
Yeah, of course. I believe in love because I feel like love is beyond just your soulmate. Love is all around. I feel like you love your friends, you love your family, you love strangers, you love random things. Love, it’s like a spectrum. You can have one bad experience with love, but it doesn’t mean that love is canceled and love doesn’t exist.
It just means that it’s complicated. And you love someone who maybe was not ready to love you the same, but it does not take away from the love that you have. It just means that they weren’t ready to love. And I feel like everyone should have that outlook, because one bad experience does not mean that they’re all bad experiences.
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21-year-old female
“I think that every piece of your life and every person you get to speak to and have a relationship with is meant to shape you and meant to turn you into a better person; Whether they make you worse and then you build yourself up to be better, or they just impacted you enough to be able to have that positive impact.”
Her Campus: When you fell in love with this person, did it feel like you stepped into their world or did it feel like they stepped into yours?
Interviewee: I was stepping into their world. They were healing from a heartbreak, and I felt healed from my previous heartbreak before them. I was really the person to try to pick up the pieces and help get him to the point where he felt comfortable enough to feel open and ready for a relationship with me. So it was very much, I was stepping into his world to see how I can accommodate him to be able to like make the relationship work.
HC: Whenever the heartbreak hit, was it actually during the relationship or was it the break up at the end?
I: The heartbreak started while we were together, even though that was something I didn’t realize. That was something I realized once we were over.
We both realized that we were different people, maybe not him, but I realized we were different people. I think for him, the heartbreak was more within himself and his actions, rather than the heartbreak of us, his heartbreak was centered around himself. While I felt like my heartbreak was centered around the loss of the both of us.
HC: What’s something you learned about yourself after that breakup?
I: I learned that I knew who I was better than I thought I did. That realization was something that carried on throughout my whole healing process. Even though there were things that could have been said about me, by him, or things that I was hearing through the grapevine, that I was able to tell myself, ‘I know that’s not me and I know that’s not my intention.’ And that was something I didn’t recognize, solely, until the breakup happened.
HC: Did you learn anything about humans? Did you learn anything new about the world?
I: I learned that sometimes a miscommunication can turn into something that’s gracious and challenging all at the same time. So for example, having a breakup or having something that is so painful, is able to give strength to somebody that you wouldn’t have previously…To be able to fully know who you are, love who you are, and be able to share that with other people.
HC: How did you process once the relationship ended? Five stages of grief?
I: I would definitely say I went through the five stages of grief. When relationships end, grieving happens even though a person is still here and alive. The biggest emotion I felt was confusion. I just kind of got over the confusion bump. A lot of it was, not confusion as to why it ended, but confusion of when things changed. That took me a while to understand and fully accept. That was like the biggest emotion besides sadness.
Sadness was something that correlated with confusion, but once I was able to see things clearly, the sadness cleared.
If you imagine your highest self, your most healed self, and she’s looking back at the relationship you’re talking about, what’s her reflection?
I: The reflection would be that everything happens for a reason. I fully stand by this always, not just when it comes to relationships ending in your life. I think that every piece of your life and every person you get to speak to and have a relationship with is meant to shape you and meant to turn you into a better person. Whether they make you worse and then you build yourself up to be better, or they just impacted you enough to be able to have that positive impact. The thought that everything happens for a reason brings the most peace.
Especially with a breakup, you’re able to look back. ‘Everything happens for a reason’ is something that helps you look back on those relationships in a positive manner. Because at the end of the day, if I’m 80 years old and I’m fully healed and I’m fully at peace, I wanna look back and think about the happy memories and how that pushed me to be the person that I am today.
HC: Do you believe in love?
I: I do believe in love, heavily. I think that at the end of the day there’s somebody out there that will love you, and even at times where you feel like there’s not- that person has to be you. So at the end of the day, you have to love yourself more than anyone could ever love you.
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21-year-old male
“I was like, ‘Maybe if I start going to the gym, she’s going to notice. I’m getting big and strong. Be a whole other person…’ Maybe it was like that for the first month. That’s what fueled me. But then after talking to myself and healing, I said ‘I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing this for me.’ I wanna be healthy. That’s just for myself and for my mom, for my future, for my future partner. After healing and realizing what happened and what’s done, here I am.”
Her Campus: When you fell in love with this person, did it feel like you stepped into their world or did it feel like they stepped into yours?
Interviewee: She was stepping into mine. Things moved a little too fast. It was actually about two years ago during Spring Break time. I met her and I didn’t think anything was going to come from it. I thought it was going to be a one night stand. And then surprisingly, I go down to Spring Break back at home in Corpus, and she’s there. She’s like, ‘Hey, can I just hang out with you and your friends?’
These are my close friends I’ve known forever- 10 plus years. It’s already on a deep personal level. She basically spends the whole entire week with us. I take her out to all my favorite places, my best friends, we’re meeting together and everything.
It’s already in that deeper connection because she’s already met my long term friends. She’s calling into work so she could stay longer with me. And I’m kind of like, ‘Wow, this person must really like me.’ Then I get back to San Marcos, and she ends up, surprisingly, living here too. I’m like, ‘Wow, okay. Nice.’ Things kind of start taking off from there.
What I thought was going to turn into a one night stand, turned into about a year and a half, two years. I didn’t really expect it to go on that fast.
HC: Whenever the heartbreak hit, was it actually during the relationship or was it the break up at the end?
I: This is probably my most traumatic- this breakup sent me to rehab. This breakup sent me down spiraling. It’s a really dark place. I kind of lost who I was. And I think what hurt the most is whenever my mom told me, she’s like, ‘Where’s my son at?’ I had a heart-to-heart with my mom.
But this girl, she played with me constantly. A lot of things that she did to me, I didn’t deserve. I’m not trying to play a victim here or anything, but she broke up with me the first time because I had friends who I had been friends with for years, I went to school with them and they were also girls.
This one person I was dating was very insecure about that she had BPD. And I’m not saying that was a factor in how she was, but she also had traumatic experiences with men growing up in her life. And I understand that, but you shouldn’t bring that into a relationship with somebody else. You have to learn how to trust them. And she just never grew to trust me.
I did everything to make her comfortable. But she never did anything to make me comfortable. So I was attached to this one person, and I got so disassociated with all my friends that whenever she broke up with me, because of me liking a couple of my friends posts, she left me with nothing.
I felt so alone that it made me go back into the drugs. You know, I got offered. I was smoking weed at the time, then I got offered, ‘Hey dude, I’m selling acid.’
You know, ‘Alright, let me take some acid.’ ‘Hey dude, like I’m also selling shrooms.’
‘Dude, do you wanna try this thing called ketamine?’ I was like, ‘I’ve never done that before, but yeah, sure, why not?’
It was me trying to find happiness. And then she broke up with me. And the crazy thing is, I went back home because I wasn’t doing too well, and she followed me back home.
But she started OnlyFans. She sent me her sex tapes. She started dating a bunch of guys. This is during our first breakup. She was dating other guys. She still had me on Snapchat.
I couldn’t let her go. And I was texting her day in, day out. ‘I miss you. I love you. I wanna work things out. I promise I’ll be better.’
But it all came down to that she wanted to do whatever she wanted to do, and it hurt. Just seeing her go out with other guys, wake up in random guys’ houses- some of the OnlyFans, sharing all that with me.
I was working a 12 hour day shift with the job I was doing, and I would still have time to go see her. I missed my brother’s and sister’s 21st birthday because of her. I’m trying to make an effort to see her.
And then a couple more months come by and the same things are happening again. You know, I feel alone. I’m in a relationship with her. But I feel like I have no life. But I’m with her. So it’s okay.
We got back together after that. And then she breaks up with me for a second time because she thinks I’m sleeping with my neighbor next door, who is in fact dating a woman. Just because I have her in my art classes.
But she gets very insecure and she breaks up with me because of it. The same cycle happens all over again. I fall into drugs. I feel so alone. I have my family who loves me, but I’m ignoring them. I have friends who love me. I’m ignoring them. Anything they say, I don’t want to hear. And it’s just not a good feeling. Like I felt sick. I felt sick to my stomach thinking my ex is with another guy. My friends are seeing her out in the square, and she’s dressed with basically nothing on. She’s getting blackout drunk and everybody’s seeing it.
She’s getting posted on Barstool TXST of her passed out drunk or kissing some guy. It’s not a good feeling, because I still really cared about her. But I didn’t want to. And especially because my health was declining rapidly. I got down to like 110 pounds.
HC: What’s something you learned about yourself after that breakup?
I: The very last breakup was more of like, ‘Do I really want this for the rest of my life? Do I want to keep on loving a girl who can’t trust me?’ I never gave her a reason not to trust me. I was very honest with her. She wanted to get on my phone. I was like, ‘Okay, go ahead. I don’t care. I don’t have anything to hide from you.’ I was very honest with her. I was very patient with her and she just couldn’t handle the idea of me having friends that were girls and being very insecure about that. So it made me realize like, ‘Do I really wanna be living a life where I can’t even have a friend without her thinking I’m sleeping with them?’
I also realized that my mental health is very important. I kind of lost myself. I love my mom very much and I did not talk to my mom at all during these periods. She shut me out from the woman that I love the most.
Because my mom didn’t like her after the first time- what she did to me. My mom still supported me because she loved me. And it sucked because like I said, one day I came home and my mom was like, ‘Where’s my son at?’
I don’t need drugs to rely on being happy. I got other things. I’m in art school. I love music, I make music. Do stuff like that. Find great people in your life. Whenever I’m looking for a friend, make sure it’s someone who’s going to stay by your side, and if you’re looking for a partner, that they understand the baggage that comes with you. It’s just that sense of trust.
HC: How did you process once the relationship ended? Five stages of grief?
I: I felt like I had denial, a lot. I was kind of like, ‘We’re going to get back together.’ Like, ‘We broke up, but I swear to God, we’re going to get back together. Things are going to fix just like that.’
It was basically me texting her every day like, ‘Hey, I miss you.’ And then whenever I wouldn’t text her anymore, I felt like I was getting the acceptance. My friends were there for me. My mom was there for me. My dad was there for me. I was going to the gym a lot more. I had gotten this job at the gym and I had great people I met over there. I was in the art school meeting some fantastic people, getting great opportunities.
I’m doing good in life without her- and then a weight just comes crashing down on me, and it sucked because I was doing so great in life and just as soon as I’m doing great and I completely leave all that behind me- she comes back and then I’d be back at the denial stage.
I’d think we were going to get back together. I’d think things were going to work out. And then she’d go out, and I’d go over to her house, and she’d show me all the people she matched with on Tinder. All the people she matched with on Bumble. And they looked nothing like me. So then I got back to that stage of depression. So it wasn’t necessarily stages, it was maybe a cycle.
If you imagine your highest self, your most healed self, and he’s looking back at the relationship you’re talking about, what’s his reflection?
I: I can say at the age of 21, me being who I am right now in the present, looking back at myself, just got to tell myself like, ‘Come on man. Really, drugs?’ I was always taught as a kid- I was surrounded by drugs, especially from where I came up. ‘Your mom taught you better than this. Like, don’t you love your mom?’
Don’t fall into a little casket. Talk to people. And if they don’t want to hear you out, find someone who will. As much as I don’t like going to therapy, because I just love talking to my mom, I feel like it can get overwhelming for my mom. She has four other kids who are also having problems in their lives. Find a group of friends you can rely on. If it really comes down to it, go to therapy. Especially being a man, a lot of guys like to hold in. You know, ‘I’m just going to go to the gym. I’m just going to shut up. I’m not going to tell anybody about how I’m feeling.’
I feel like that’s not really a healthy way of living. Especially in today’s culture- like the gym culture. Guys are like, ‘I don’t need to go to the therapist, I’m fine. I got broken up with? I’m going to get big and strong for them to realize what they’re missing out on.’
It shouldn’t be about what they are going to see. It should be about what you wanna do for yourself. And that’s why I was having problems with myself at the beginning. I was like, ‘Maybe if I start going to the gym, she’s going to notice I’m getting big and strong. Be a whole other person.’
Maybe it was like that for the first month. That’s what fueled me. But then after talking to myself and healing, I said ‘I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing this for me.’ I wanna be healthy. That’s just for myself and for my mom, for my future, for my future partner. After healing and realizing what happened and what’s done, here I am.
HC: Do you believe in love?
I: Of course. I have great parents. They have a very firm grasp on what love is. My mom and dad have been together for about 40 years now. Seeing how they are with each other today, my dad still wakes up thinking she’s the most beautiful person in the world. My mom thinks he’s the most handsome.
And having that really strong sense of love around you, especially growing up, that’s what you look for whenever you get older. I felt like that’s what I was looking for in all my relationships, but I couldn’t ever find that. I felt like I was just forcing it. I didn’t let it come to me. Most of the time I was going on Tinder, I was going on Bumble. That’s not love. I mean, human interaction is probably going to be the best way to do it.
I do believe in love, and I hope I’ve found that.