The 10 Commandments of College

At the beginning of time, a higher being came and bestowed upon us college students a set of important rules. Pay close attention to avoid making any of these deadly mistakes. 

1.  Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Floormates

Do not hook up with the boys on your floor. Do not. You are going to see this boy (or boys) every day for the entire year. Do you really want to face him for the next two semesters? Chances are that you’re not going to marry this kid—he’s not worth the ensuing awkwardness every time you enter your dorm.

2.  Thou Shall Not Shower for More than 15 Minutes

We will look for you. We will find you. And we will steal your shampoo. There are many other girls on your floor who are also trying to get clean before their 8 a.m. classes. Do you really want to mess with a bunch of hungry and tired girls who haven’t showered? If your shower playlist is more than 5 songs long, there is going to be a problem.

3.  Thou Shall Not Get Sloppy Every Weekend

We all have our nights, don’t get me wrong. Some weekends you will need to be carried home by a lovely troop of friends. Avoid being “that girl” (i.e. chugging tequila) every weekend, though. Nobody likes having to scoop their friends off of frat house floors and holding their hair in the bathroom for hours after every single time you all go out.

4.  Thou Shall Not Leave Thy Laundry in the Machine

This is a good way to get your wet clothes deposited in a random spot in the laundry room. It’s hard enough to find an available machine as it is, so don’t torture us by leaving your finished clothes inside. Oftentimes, people won’t wait, and you will lose some precious socks in the exchange. Set a timer and be prepared.

5.  Thou Shall Not Take Thy Roommate’s Clothes

(At least not without a sharing system in place.) No girl wants you waltzing off to a dining hall in her $90 shirt from Express and slathering it in pizza grease. If it’s something less pricey or important, maybe it’s negotiable. But just because your belongings occupy the same space doesn’t mean everything is up for grabs. Ask your roommate(s) first.

6.  Thou Shall Not Hover Over the Toilet Seat

“If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.” It’s in every 40-year-old woman’s bathroom on a wall hanging. It’s pretty simple. We live in a place where every bathroom is a public bathroom – we share. Be a bit more considerate and put your butt down. Or, if you’re that bothered by germs, at least wipe after yourself.

7.  Thou Shall Not Blast Music on Weeknights

Maybe you’re celebrating or maybe you and your roommate just feel like dancing. Whatever the reason, please keep it down. Chances are, the people living around you are a bit more concerned with their upcoming exams than they are with your sick DJing skills. Save the bumping for the weekends.

8. Thou Shall Not Hold Up the Dining Hall Line

I don’t know why exactly you are separately picking up each french fry like this is a game of Operation, but I do know that the hungry line of people behind you are not amused. Move it along. We don’t have all day, we all have empty stomachs, and a hangry line of college students is bound to end badly if not appeased quickly.

9. Thou Shall Not Leave Thy Sweaty Clothes in the Hamper

I know people are too polite to tell you – but you stink. These dorm rooms are only so big – your stench has nowhere to go. I know doing laundry is inconvenient, but please, think about the children. Suck it up and save your roommate (and any visitors) from suffering.

10.  Thou Shall Not Steal Another’s Seat

If it is past the first three weeks of the semester, people have a pretty good idea of where they sit. Actual rage arises when you take someone’s “designated” seat.  In a lecture of 300 it might be a bit more flexible, but in a room that seats less than 50 it’s a no-no.  Be mindful of the unofficial assigned seats in class, or you will be victim to a very angry subtweet and the silent hate of a classmate for the next four years. 

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