Sober Rides: God’s great gift to the millennial college student. For $2 a head you can be whisked away in a great chariot, or a 2009 Dodge mini-van, and taken a mile down the road to whichever frat house you desire. It’s like a dream. If you’ve ever been a sober driver, it’s entertaining enough to watch everyone who rolls in and out, drunk off of jungle juice and pastel-colored button ups. And while it’s true you can’t really fit 10 people in a sober ride (though it’s been done before), here’s a list of the 10 kinds of people you might find in one – as told by our favorite gang.
1. The Klepto
We’ve all seen this one before. They climb into the back seat of the car with a George Foreman grill under their arm and six rolls of toilet paper in their purse, and for some reason no one’s asking any questions about it. To each their own, right?
2. The Hangry One
All this person can talk about for the entire ride is what they’re gonna order when they get home. DP Dough? Dominos? Maybe if you’re lucky, your sober driver will stop for food on the way home, but I wouldn’t count on it.
3. The Water Works
Even though there’s no use crying over spilt Keystone, someone always is….
4. The Therapist
Can’t have a crier without someone Dr. Phil-ing it in the back seat. This person can be found curled up in back consoling someone with a drunken, “You don’t need him!”
5. The Hiccups
Surprisingly enough, this friend hasn’t really been saying much. You thought they’d had a lot to drink but they seem okay – gazing out the window, maybe bopping along to whatever music is playing. And then, the fateful hiccup escapes their lips. You sigh and make a note to get a plastic bag when you get back to you room.
6. The Navigator
“Proceed to the highlighted route.” There’s always that one person who somehow can direct the driver to the random back road off South Eagleville you and your friends live on. Who needs Siri when you’ve got this drunk Magellan leading you back to your bed?
7. The Mom
Mom purse and mental head count in tow, they’ve been not-so silently keeping tabs on the whole crew for the entire night, and you know they’re the one who corralled this whole team into the car. And they’ve probably been texting the sober driver all night, making sure everyone had a ride home. You should probably thank this friend of yours, and stop hiccupping on them.
8. The DJ
This person is one of simple needs – hand them the aux and they’ll keep the party going as long as their phone battery lasts. Throwbacks, EDM, maybe even a soulful ballad. ~lit af~
9. The Accountant
They always say the person you should trust most is your accountant. This rings true for the world of sober rides. Hand over a fistful of singles and this person will make sure the sober ride is paid and all the appropriate change is in their possession. Maybe real accountants should start taking a few shots before doing our taxes.
10. The Snoozer
A little party never killed nobody…Zzzzzz.
So, collegiettes, which one are you?