27 Questions we all had during the premiere of AHS: Hotel

The long awaited new season of American Horror Story premiered on Wednesday night, to scary good ratings, pulling in a crowd of 5.8 million viewers. The first episode featured Lady Gaga sucking blood, hot guys succumbing to death, and plot twists that would leave even the most dedicated AHS fans in shock.  Here are 27 lingering questions we had while checking into Hotel Cortez. 

1. Will this season live up to the hype?
2. Will it be better than the sad plotless mess that was Freak Show?
3. This hotel is huge. Where is everyone?  

4. Why does Kathy Bates resemble a librarian from the 70’s?

5. If there’s no wifi then why are these girls still here?

6. Why do people always go into the hallway when they hear a terrifying noise? Why? Does it ever end well? Does it?

7. How long is it going take for these blonde girls to die?

8. Where did the creepy twins come from? Are we in The Shining?
9. Ten minutes in, where is Lady Gaga? Evan Peters? Is Jessica Lange coming back or not?
10. Now there’s a guy with his eyes gouged out who is stuck having sex with a dead corpse. Who thinks up these ideas? Do the writers all go in a room and go, “Excellent idea, Bill. That’s exactly the type of messed up, gory, nightmarish fuel we are looking for” ?
11. Will hotels everywhere now have people refusing to check into Room 64?
12. Is that Schmidt from New Girl?  What’s he doing here?
13. How do I achieve Liz Taylor’s eyeliner wings?

14. How does one sashay like Liz Taylor?

15. Will anyone ever be able to watch this show and not refer to Lady Gaga as Lady Gaga?
16. Is it messed up if The Countess and her bae (Matt Bomer) are totally relationship goals? 
17. What kind of cardio is Lady Gaga doing? How does one achieve her body? What is she eating? Because damn. 
18. How is something so raunchy allowed on cable? Why do I feel like there’s some child somewhere being scarred for life right now? 
19. Who has to clean all that blood? Will Tide-to-go sticks work?

20. How much ketchup or food coloring do they go through on this show?

21. Is the Countess (Lady Gaga) a vampire? Is the Twilight era upon us yet again?

22. The blonde girls are still alive? How has queen Gaga not slayed them yet?

23. With Shelley from AHS  Season 2 and the realtor from Season 1 showing up will more previous AHS stars be making appearances? Zachary Quinto? Taissa Farmiga?

24. How did he lose his son at the carnival? Maybe he should invest in one of those child leashes? 

25. Don’t all these attractive guys kind of look alike? How am I supposed to tell them apart? Why are there so many hot dads? Is the hotel really that bad with all these hunks strolling around?

26. Is it too early to nominate Gaga for an Emmy? A Golden Globe? Gaga for President 2016?

27. Will the next episode be even more messed up? Can it even get more messed up? Have they actually reached the limit of messed up?

Make sure to tune tonight for a brand new episode airing on FX at 10pm.

• american horror story
• FX
• lady gaga
• tv