I HATE conflict. And no, I do not mean strongly dislike. I mean HATE. Yet, I’ve found through my years at UConn, conflict is a natural part of life and can never fully be avoided no matter how hard you try — and trust me, I have tried.
Dealing with conflict in all avenues of life, whether it be in school, with family, or in extracurriculars, is an important skill to have. But these kinds of conflicts are more difficult to navigate with friends. This is especially true if you are butting heads with friends that you have known for a long time. I recently had a conflict with my roommate, someone I never thought I would argue with because we had been friends since high school. Honestly, this was one of the hardest situations I have been through while in college, specifically because we had been friends for so long, and I never wanted to hurt her or say something that I could never take back. Our argument primarily took place over text. And honestly, I wouldn’t even call it an argument, because we both just sent one large text to one another, and then pretended like we never said anything at all when we saw each other later that night. But I learned a few things through this experience that I think are important to share.
1. Have it out Face to Face
One of the things I regret about the tiff that my friend and I had is that we had it over text. I had insisted that we talk in person, but she had insisted that I just tell her what was bothering me over a messaging app. When I complied, I immediately regretted it, because I knew my texts were not truly conveying my emotions and the feelings I had behind them. I feel like if I had waited to talk to her about the problems I wanted to discuss, she may have been able to really see my point of view and my side of the issue. Texts do not do justice to the emotions that need to be conveyed during these times of conflict, and in-person conversations are important to have as they will only strengthen the friendship.
2. Do Not be afraid to tell them if they said something that hurt you
During the argument over text, my friend said that the other person (that we were primarily arguing about) had become a bigger priority in their life than I was. That really hurt me. Honestly, after she said that, I didn’t even know what to say, so I just did not respond and we never spoke about it again. However, I really wish I did say something and talked to her (in person) about how that comment made me feel. We have been friends for such a long time that those words felt like a knife in the back. I think it is important to tell them how some things they say or do make you feel because if you don’t, you will always be thinking about what they did, leading to a passive-aggressive situation between you and your friend. Just be honest with them. If they truly are your friend, they should understand, right?
3. Take Some Responsibility too
In any conflict that you are having with another person, it is important not to just blame the other person for the things that you are frustrated with. The kinds of one-sided conversations that are filled with blame are not constructive and will only hurt the friendship more than it will help. It is equally important to acknowledge where you also could have improved to resolve the situation. This will help take some of the weight off the conflict and can help both people in the issue see each other’s point of view much better.
4. In the end, you have to do whats best for you
Just like how Vanessa Hudgens sings in High School Musical 2, at the end of the day, you need to do what’s best for you first and foremost. If the situation with your friend is really bothering you, and you are no longer happy or content in that friendship, you may have to consider “breaking up” with your friend, no matter how long you have known each other. If your friend happens to also be your roommate, you may need to consider not rooming together in the future. At the end of the day, if the situation or conflict you are in is not making you happy, and you have tried your best to repair it, then letting it go might be the best option for all parties involved, even if that may be the hardest decision you have to make.
Listen, I am definitely no expert when it comes to dealing with conflicts with any person, especially when it comes to friends. Honestly, the conflict I am having with my friend has not been resolved, even though it has been more than a week since we last talked about it. Some of the tips I gave above may apply, but also may not; it is really based on the situation and the context of the conflict you are in. Whatever the conflict may be, it is important to go in with a mind willing to compromise and find a middle ground so that the outcomes are as positive as possible.