We all do it: wasting precious time and energy on things outside of our control. If you’re anything like me, this probably sounds all too familiar. I’ve lost track of how many hours I’ve spent obsessing over situations I never even had control over in the first place.
Letting go of control can feel impossible. I get it. A world where you don’t need to control everything? Where you can just let things happen and be okay with it? Unfathomable.
That was me until I discovered Mel Robbins and her book The Let Them Theory. Guided by two simple words, “let them,” the book teaches you how to release the things you can’t control and stop wasting your energy on them. It’s a roadmap for recognizing the limits of your control, finding inner peace, and improving your relationships — not just with yourself, but with others.
Here are three of the most important lessons I learned from The Let Them Theory:
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS OF YOU
As nice as it would be to have complete control over every aspect of your life, including others’ opinions of you, it’s just never going to happen. You can’t control someone else’s thoughts, so trying to control them or fearing what they think is a total waste of time.
To illustrate this, Mel gives a great example: we all have negative thoughts about people every day, whether we’d like to admit it or not. It could be someone you know and love, like your best friend, who can be so self-centered at times, or a random person you encounter on campus, like the one who just won’t stop yelling on the quiet floor at the library. Having a negative thought about your best friend doesn’t lessen your love for them, just like having a negative thought about the person at the library doesn’t change your lack of connection with them — you don’t even know them! Just because someone has a negative thought about you doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you.
Like it or not, people will have negative opinions about you and the things you do. Let Them. Mel says, “Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.” When you let the fear of other people’s opinions dictate your choices, you hold yourself back from becoming who you’re meant to be. You don’t need to give others and their opinions so much power over you when they’re not even asking for it. Ask yourself: what would you do, how would you act, and who would you be if you didn’t let others’ opinions shape your life?
THE RIGHT DECISION OFTEN FEELS WRONG
We all know the feeling of realizing something isn’t right but hesitating to make a decision because it might hurt someone else. Just because the right choice is clear doesn’t mean it’s easy, especially when it involves more than just you. I’m trying to be better about this, especially after reading this book, but I’m guilty of going through with things I don’t want to just to avoid a hard or awkward conversation.
A few months ago, I backed out of a day trip to NYC with my best friend because it stressed me out. Every time I thought about it, anxiety took over, and I knew I wouldn’t enjoy myself. I had no clear reason — I just knew I couldn’t go. Letting my best friend down and canceling a trip we had planned for months was the worst feeling. I ran through every possible excuse, thought of every way to put it off, and typed out my apology a million times before finally sending it.
Luckily, she was completely understanding. But if she hadn’t been, that would have been okay too. People are allowed to be angry, upset, or disappointed with you. Do you want to make someone feel that way? Of course not. But if they do, they’re entitled to their emotions. As much as it sucks, you must let them feel what they need to feel, because they will, whether it makes you uncomfortable or not.
You have to remember that conflict is part of the human experience. If you like being in control, there’s no worse feeling than knowing you can’t change how someone else feels. But you also can’t let that stop you from making a hard, yet right, decision. This fear of discomfort keeps people stuck — staying in relationships they’re unhappy in, appeasing a boss who doesn’t treat them fairly, or avoiding necessary change. At the end of the day, avoiding conflict won’t make it disappear, and only keeps you from living the life you truly want.
PEOPLE ONLY CHANGE WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT
You can’t make people change. You can have the most valid reasons for wanting someone to change and be completely right in your opinion. You may think you know what’s best for them and genuinely want to help. But the truth is, they’re not going to change just because you want them to. People need to feel in control of their own decisions.
Think about how annoyed you get when someone points out something you could improve. Even if it’s true, it feels insulting that they’d bring it up. Why would someone feel any differently when you point something out about them?
When Mel talks about this, she references a conversation with neuroscientist Dr. Tali Sharot. Through brain scans, Dr. Sharot discovered that when someone is telling you something you don’t want to hear, the part of your brain that processes the information literally shuts off. So, no matter how much you think your passive-aggressive comments or conversations about change are working, they’re not even registering in the other person’s mind.
I am guilty of doing this. If someone isn’t acting the way I wish they were, it bothers me, sometimes to the point of letting my annoyance take over and just telling them exactly how I feel. But from this book, I’ve learned that it’s never worked, and it’s never going to. I’ve been wasting unnecessary stress, not just on people who aren’t me, but on situations that aren’t even producing results.
As Mel says, “loving people means that you have to meet them where they are.” When you let them, you’re allowing them to make choices for themselves. If they’re going to be encouraged to change, it’s going to come from making a mistake and having to learn not to repeat it. Let them feel the consequences of their inaction because you will never get anywhere trying to control it yourself.
As someone who 1.) can’t get through a self-help book to save my life, despite being an avid reader, and 2.) would always choose to listen to music over a podcast, I’ve been completely changed by my introduction to Mel Robbins. Discovering her, not just through this book but also her podcast, The Mel Robbins Podcast, has truly felt like the beginning of building the best version of myself.
These were just three of the many life-changing lessons I learned from her book, but between the book and her podcast, I find myself learning something new every day. Mel Robbins’ ability to make important life lessons entertaining and easily digestible has been so refreshing, and I can’t stop recommending her to everyone I know.