Now if you searched for this article, I’m guessing things aren’t going so well with whomever you’re dating, seeing, talking to, or basically whomever you’re in some sort of interpersonal relationship with. However, if you didn’t search for this article, and just found the title interesting, welcome to the party!
This is one of those topics where everyone seems to know everything but it doesn’t help you in the slightest. The reality is whether this is your first breakup or your fiftieth, it doesn’t seem to get any easier.
So, I’m here to help out. Now an important disclaimer before we start: My word is not law. If you feel that my advice doesn’t suit you, that’s absolutely okay. This isn’t a foolproof way of breaking up with anyone either, so I don’t claim responsibility for anything that happens if you do follow this advice or if doesn’t garner the results you expected. Now onto the guide!
- Deciding to Break Up
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The first step, and one most people tend to take for granted is deciding to break up with your partner. You don’t need a big reason like cheating or them saying something extremely rude to you to decide to break up with somebody. Most of the time, it’s a gut feeling that things aren’t working out. You’re not as excited to see them anymore, talking or hanging out feels like a chore, heck, you may even start to think about what it’s like to date other people. All of these things are completely natural. Most of the time, the first person, or even the second, or third, or fourth person you date isn’t the one you are going to be with forever.
However, sometimes you can be upset with someone but that doesn’t mean you should break up with them. What do I mean by this? Little (or big arguments) most of the time can be resolved. When they can’t, is when their resolution or proposed resolution isn’t good enough anymore. Arguments don’t mean an immediate breakup but that doesn’t mean they can’t be the catalyst for one either. It depends on how YOU feel afterward, and whether the argument put moral values into question or how the relationship will proceed in the future.
My best advice is this: If you aren’t excited about the relationship anymore, even after you try to spice it up by going on dates or trying new things with your partner, and your gut is telling you you aren’t happy or you’re feeling trapped, it’s time to start thinking about ending things.
- Deciding how to Break up
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Alright, you’ve come to the decision that it’s time to end things. Good for you! Most of the time, this is the hardest step for everyone involved. After all, this is a person you cared about for however long and your heart may have a difficult time letting go. But the point is you’re putting yourself and your feelings first and that’s the best thing you can do for both parties involved.
Now the big question: How to do it?
If you feel safe and comfortable around the person, I’d say the best way to break up is to do it in person. I know, I know, I can hear the groans and the complaints about how awkward it can be. The truth though is that these situations only make you stronger. It also helps the person on the other side since they can tell by your body language and tone of voice just how big of a deal this is for you. Doing the breakup in person also allows you to be in public if, worst-case scenario, they don’t do things as well as they should. Please, please, please remember that you as a person do not owe anyone else, regardless of whether you dated or not, anything. If you don’t feel comfortable giving an explanation, you don’t have to. At the end of the day, all you have to say is that the relationship isn’t working out for you and you want to end it. You don’t have to give details about how your mother’s dog’s owner told you your boyfriend was trash and he didn’t treat you right or your sister’s best friend’s girlfriend told you that you could do so much better.
If you do feel comfortable giving the other person a reason, then go for it. Just know that it isn’t and never is, mandatory. If the other person asks for one, you already gave one: it wasn’t working out and you don’t want to continue something you aren’t happy with.
If you can’t or don’t feel comfortable doing it in person, then the next best way is over the phone. FaceTime or any type of video call is a great option for my long-distance daters out there. Or if the person makes you so uncomfortable or unsafe that you don’t want to see them in public or over the phone, a simple text stating that the relationship is done followed by a swift block is perfect.
If it helps, you can practice what you’re going to say in the mirror or to a dog so you get used to the words coming out of your mouth. You are doing this for your benefit and you have the strength to handle these tough conversations!
- After the breakup
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Everyone has different reactions to breaking up. You can cry, you can laugh, or you can feel…numb. Just like everyone handles grief differently, the same principle applies here. Your heart is grieving the loss of a connection, and it’s important to remember that.
It’s also perfectly fine to feel a sense of relief, regardless of how great the relationship was. At the end of the day, you did something you thought you’d never have to do. You put yourself first and you got the task done with. You should feel proud of yourself. (I recommend buying yourself a little treat after big accomplishments like this).
You can arrange with your partner when to retrieve your belongings (if you exchanged any) when you both feel most comfortable and ready. I recommend having the conversation sooner than later so you don’t forget but it’s never an urgent matter.
The biggest thing though, is if you want to move on, truly move on, I recommend going no-contact. Whenever people say they want to stay friends after a relationship, it’s almost never just friends. There are rare cases where it is, but personally, I think your heart needs the time and space away from the person to fully heal.
Going no-contact also prevents you from calling your ex and trying to get back together. You’re going to have thoughts of this and that’s also completely and totally normal. The key to not doing it? Remembering why you broke up in the first place.
Remember that feeling of unhappiness or being trapped? That groan when you felt like you had to talk to them? That’s why you shouldn’t go back.
It’s a cliche, but there really are a million fish in the sea. Someone better is out there for you and maybe it’s not now or tomorrow or the day after, but that person exists.
I also recommend taking a break from dating. Just like your heart is healing from the relationship, you need to heal and relearn how to be on your own for a bit.
Spend time with friends, do those hobbies you’re passionate about or find new ones, and take yourself out on dates. Put yourself first. This is a time when you remind yourself how great you are. You don’t need a partner to be happy and you can be on your own.
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Breaking up with someone is never easy. I wish I could say it was, but then I’d be a liar and I can’t live with that on my conscience. From my own experience, it’s hard, but you feel so much relief afterward. I remember waiting for a perfect time or feeling bad that if I did it I would be hurting my partner at the time more than I’d be helping. But the truth? Sooner is always better than later and it’s unfair to BOTH of you if you stay in a relationship you’re unhappy with. Everyone deserves to be with someone who’s excited to talk to them and go on dates. If that means you need to break up with your current partner to find that person, then go right ahead. I can promise you, that the person on the other side will grow to appreciate you doing it just like you have.
