Grieving is a natural process that people often try to avoid or rush. We’re constantly looking for ways to shove our feelings of sadness and loss aside to carry on with our day-to-day lives. People forget, however, how hard it is to do that when you’re on your own. At home, I would be grieving with my family, but I’ve been struggling to cope with those feelings without their immediate support. Recently, I’ve developed some strategies to cope with my grief, so I want to take the opportunity to share them with you all.
Feel what you need to feel
Oftentimes there’s this pressure to seem strong and bottle up our feelings. This article from Calda Clinic adequately sums up this idea: “We are influenced by expectations from other people in our lives.” While my family has always been very open, leading me to be open about my feelings, not everyone has that same experience. Yet, there are still times when I find it hard to accept my feelings of sadness, incompetence, anger, or guilt. It’s incredibly scary to let your guard down, be vulnerable, and feel what you need to feel, especially in a college setting where alone time can be scarce. Something that I’ve learned, however, is that these feelings don’t go away; they grow until I’m so overwhelmed, that I end up acting out anyway. So, I didn’t really avoid anything by bottling everything up; I just made myself feel worse. Sometimes, I feel like I need to get permission to feel sad, but I don’t. I can be sad, angry, or guilty without anyone’s approval, a small reminder that makes a big difference.
Talk to someone
Talking to someone can be daunting. It takes both bravery and courage to be open and vulnerable about grief and my struggles with it. While family and friends are a great resource and one that I take advantage of, there are times when I find it hard to talk to them. As an out-of-state student, I struggle to express my feelings to my family back home, and while the conversations help me, I often worry that I’m hurting those people back home somehow. Then there are my friends on campus, who I’m usually open with, but sharing with them feels like oversharing.
Thankfully, the University of Connecticut has some great resources available for students. The first, and the one that I have found to be the most beneficial, is individual therapy. Talking to a therapist has helped me for several reasons: one, a therapist provides an outsider’s perspective on the situation, and two, they can help set you up with resources and coping mechanisms that you may not find on your own. Another important resource is the BeWell hotline, which can be found by scanning the QR code on the back of your student ID. This 24/7 number allows you to speak to a counselor immediately. More information about the support systems at UConn can be found on the SHaW Mental Health website.
Take a wellness break
Taking a wellness break is so vital, whether you’re grieving or not, and it is often overlooked in our busy lives. I’ve found listening to calming music while walking on the treadmill at the Rec to be helpful. It’s known that working out helps boost serotonin, but I never believed it until I experienced it. After working out I feel lighter and ready to tackle anything coming my way. At the same time, exercise increases your physical well-being. I understand, however, that workouts aren’t for everyone, so maybe your wellness break is soaking up the sunlight for 30 minutes or enjoying a sweet treat from the dining hall. Regardless, taking the time to care for yourself is vital.
Journaling
At our most recent Her Campus meeting, we did a bonding event where everyone wrote something they wanted advice for on a sticky note and placed it in a jar. During the activity, someone recommended doomscrolling before showering and skin care, which I’ve been practicing these past few days. It’s going well, and I fill the post-shower scrolling with journaling. I find it helpful to recount the events of my day: what did I feel good about? What did I accomplish? Is there anything I want to work on? For me, and many others, journaling helps “process emotions in a safe…space,” as explained by Margarita Tartakovsky. Yet, my journal is also a place for me to reflect on my feelings and everything around me, an idea that is briefly discussed in this article from Positive Psychology. I find that ending each segment with a rose/bud/thorn (see an explanation of this technique here) helps me to compartmentalize and acknowledge my feelings, which have helped me process the recent losses in my life. Once I’m done journaling, I try not to think about those things anymore as I look at journaling as a way to find closure.
Do Things That Make You Happy
This is something I’ve really struggled with. It’s hard to do the things I enjoy without being reminded of my aunt, but then I remember how much she loved life. She wanted me to be happy, so I try to be happy. For me, this mostly involves doing things that I love such as hanging out with friends or rewatching old Dolan Twins videos on YouTube (they never fail to put a smile on my face, especially in their foreign language challenge video). The Dolans, however, might not work for everyone, so it’s important to remind yourself of the things that make you happy. Once you find them, do those things! No matter how childish or silly they seem, it’s worth it.
Remind yourself that you’re not alone
It’s easy to feel like a little fish in a big pond, especially when you’re at a school as big as UConn but remember that you’re not alone. While your family and loved ones may be far away, chances are they’re feeling the same things. Sometimes, when I have a tough day, I call my mom, and we talk together about our grief. Other times, simply reminding myself that someone else on campus has stood in my shoes is enough. Someone out there understands the struggles of coping with loss and sadness while managing classes and extracurriculars. For me, that’s oddly comforting. I don’t know these people, but the knowledge that we’re going through these together allows me to accept my feelings.
While these strategies may not work for you, I think there’s value in sharing my story. If at least one person finds something new to try and finds that it works, then I’ll be satisfied. To finish, I want to end with two important notes. The first is that grief is not a linear process — it looks different for everyone. The second, and final note, is a quote from One Tree Hill: “Life is immense, but we bravely go into it every day.” So, if you take away one thing from this article, remember that you’re already brave enough to handle whatever comes your way.