When Jennette McCurdy’s book I’m Glad My Mom Died came out in 2022, it took the world by storm. While part of the hype was about the drama surrounding “The Creator,” another part is Jennette’s great writing and divulging of taboo topics. Some of these include the relief and confusion felt when an abusive parent dies and how even though moms are put on a pedestal, they can be bad parents, too. Here are my main takeaways from I’m Glad My Mom Died.
Sometimes, You must Speak ill of the dead
Jennette’s book wastes no time in confronting social taboos. I mean, she literally says, “I’m glad my mom died,” in the title of her book. When someone dies, it’s common courtesy to only speak about the good they did, even if the bad overshadowed the good. The fact is, you can be a crappy person, die, and still be a crappy person. Dying does not erase any of the hurtful things you did to people in your life. People are still allowed to feel hurt by someone and discuss how they are relieved to have that person out of their life, even if that person is dead. Many people have trouble understanding how someone could make such a statement about their mom. However, those people might not understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have parents with their best interests at heart. I like to think that we are not better off for losing anyone, but unfortunately, it truly sounds like Jennette is better off without her mom’s influence.
When Jennette’s mom died, all the toxic beliefs she instilled in Jennette died with her. In an interview with People, Jennette said, “If my mom were alive, I’d still have an eating disorder. It was only distance from her that allowed me to get healthy.” I believe that’s true because she’d still have her mom influencing her, and on the off chance she decided to seek treatment, her mom would never support it. She would still be living a life she didn’t like and being a person that was inauthentic to her, just to please her mom. As Jennette stated, the distance from her mom allowed her to get healthy. It allowed her to take a step back and realize how damaging her mom’s influence truly was and try to figure out her own identity apart from her mom’s influence. With these factors in mind, it is clear to see why Jennette would be glad her mom died.
Being a Mom doesn’t automatically make you a good person — Bad Moms are a thing too.
Most people seem to think that the simple act of being a mom — carrying a child for nine months and giving birth — makes you a good person by default. The same goes for providing the bare minimum, like feeding their kids, clothing them, and providing shelter. The truth is, that doesn’t automatically make someone a good person. According to Jennette, “Moms are saints. Angels by merely existing. NO ONE could possibly understand what it’s like to be a mom (…) No one but moms know the hardship of motherhood, and we non- moms must heap nothing but praise upon moms because we lowly pitiful non-moms are mere peasants compared to the goddesses we call mothers.”
Moms are put on a pedestal and exempt from criticism because no one else can understand how hard it is to be a parent, so they shouldn’t pry. However, there is much more to being a good mom. Did you make your kids feel safe? Did you encourage them to be independent? Did you let your kids develop their own identities? Did your kids feel like they could tell you about their problems? Being a good mom also means addressing and working on your own issues that may be holding you back so you can be a better mom to your kids, which Jennette’s mom refused to do. Jennette said, “My mom didn’t deserve her pedestal. She was a narcissist. She refused to admit she had any problems, despite how destructive those problems were to our entire family.” Not all mothers are worthy of the pedestal we put them on.
Child acting is not child-friendly.
Besides her relationship with her mom, people associate Jennette’s book with exposing Nickelodeon and “The Creator” (whom many believe to be Dan Schneider) for the harm they put her through as a child star. However, if you read the book, you will see that I’m Glad My Mom Died is not just an indictment of Nickelodeon but of child acting and Hollywood. There are aspects of child acting that even a child who enjoys it would find exploitative and emotionally taxing. For example, having to induce heavy emotions for a scene. According to Jennette, crying on cue is “the skill you want” in child acting. She was good at it and developed a reputation for being the kid who could cry on cue. However, according to Jennette, “Crying on cue was not fun for me. It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life — imagining tragic events that could harm my beloved family,” which was how she conjured up the tears.
It can be quite damaging to a child’s psyche to force them to re-traumatize themself over and over for a scene. Jennette had to cry on cue for one audition, and the casting directors were so impressed by her crying that they asked her to do it again “just to see it again,” with little consideration to how it would affect her. Jennette recounted, “People wanted to see me do it over and over, like I was climbing silks.” A person can only re-traumatize themself so many times before one’s body reaches its limit, which happened to Jennette in an audition. She said, “A part of me is resisting my mind, forcing this emotional trauma on itself. A part of me is saying, ‘No it’s too painful, I’m not doing this.'” Children are not robots; they are human beings with wants, needs, and limits.
Also, child actors suffer many body image issues due to the unrealistic standards of Hollywood. Jennette says the first time she wished she was prettier was when she didn’t get an audition for Because of Winn-Dixie. Her agent told her mom that it was because they were looking for an “ethereal beauty,” and Jennette was considered “more homely,” which really upset her mom. If you look at pictures of Jennette, even as a child, she was never ugly! She is quite pretty! The fact that someone like Jennette was considered “homely” speaks to the unrealistic beauty standards. In addition, the reason her mother taught her anorexia was because Jennette was starting to develop boobs, and it could limit her from playing younger characters. I strongly believe that if you are an actor, you need to find an identity and self-worth outside the entertainment industry because the industry is fickle. It only values you so long as you are considered useful to them, and the moment you aren’t anymore, it discards you.
The final reason child acting is not child-friendly is that kids cannot conceptualize the long-term consequences of fame. Jennette said, “The middle school years are to stumble, fall, and tuck under the rug as soon as you’re done with them (…) But not for me. I’m cemented in people’s minds as the person I was when I was a kid. A person I feel like I’ve far outgrown. But the world won’t let me outgrow it.” As a child star, your most awkward years get broadcast for all to see, and people can judge you based on that for years to come — no matter how much you desire to move on.
Final Thoughts
I find it astounding that Jennette went through such insane and harrowing trauma yet never showed any signs that she was in this much pain. Whenever you saw her in interviews or on Nickelodeon, she presented herself as a bubbly, happy-go-lucky teenager. She is one of the last people I would have expected to be going through this. It reminds me of what Miranda Cosgrove said, “When you’re young, you’re so in your own head. You can’t imagine that the people around you are having much harder struggles. You don’t expect things like that from the person in the room who’s making everyone laugh.” Especially when we are young, we are so wrapped up in our own problems that we can’t imagine that the people around us might be having a harder time than we are. Especially those that seem like they’re happy or doing well. You need grace and empathy for the people around you because you never know what they’re going through privately.
To sum up, Jennette’s memoir shows the difficult feelings one can go through when an abusive parent dies and the conflicting emotions as well. Jennette has said that she doesn’t hate her mom, and she even misses some parts of her, but the bad parts of her mom outweighed the good, so I can see why she’d be glad her mom died. Issues like the ones Jennette had with her mom need to be discussed more openly, as they are far more common than anyone would care to admit.