There are very few topics that I could talk about for hours and hours on end. Dolly Alderton’s memoir Everything I Know About Love is one of them. This book feels like both your best friend and older sister, and its pages fill you with that same cozy sensation you get when you receive a warm hug.
Alderton documents her experiences with friends, parties, growing up, jobs, dates, and love (of course) from her teen years to adulthood. She’s incredibly honest, which creates a feeling of trust in the reader. There’s a detailed rundown of her online MSN relationships in high school, her “wild child” days in college, and her experiences trying to find her place in the world.
I read this book at seventeen the summer before coming to college. I definitely have not fully experienced the pains of growing up in your twenties that Alderton describes, but I took away many life lessons through the stories she shared.
The Love Between Female Friends
Alderton writes, “Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learnt from my long-term friendships with women.” There is a very good chance that you may have heard this saying on TikTok with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Scott Street” playing in the background. Although the title of the book hints that it’s about romantic love, I think that it’s more of an homage to female friendships.
One of the things that I cherish most about her writing is the way she writes about her best friend Farley. Alderton explains that she and Farley are two halves of a whole and have left “no pebble unturned.” She documents how different aspects of life will challenge your friendships. For example, Alderton explains how she felt like Farley and her were moving on two separate timelines post-graduation. It wasn’t like college anymore. Farley was in a long-term relationship and Alderton struggled with sharing her with someone else as well as finding herself. Friendships are not static, and Alderton highlights the importance of supporting one another as you grow through adulthood. It’s all about understanding that the right people will always come back to your side.
Alderton emphasizes that although she has never been in a serious long-term relationship, she still understands what it feels like to know somebody on an intimate level. She can list out her best friend’s go-to restaurant orders, favorite scents, pet peeves, core childhood memories, and more off the top of her head. This makes me reflect back on how much knowledge I have about my own girl friends. I know that Lily will only order chicken tenders and fries at restaurants, Serena can’t function throughout the day without napping, Danielle’s comfort character is Nick from New Girl, and Katie lives by her Amazon dupe of the Dior lip oil. Alderton wrote that it’s a liberating feeling to love and accept someone despite their flaws and receive the same love and acceptance back. I completely agree.
“She knows where to find everything in me and I know where all her stuff is too. She is, in short, my best friend.”
—Dolly Alderton
After reading Alderton’s book, my definition of what I considered to be love completely shifted. For a while, romantic love was something that I chased. How could it not? From When Harry Met Sally to Colleen Hoover books, the media often only shows romantic love and for many, including myself, the lack of love brings out a sense of longing. Going through my first breakup this year taught me that love flows in and out of your life in different ways. All the love that I thought I didn’t have was found in one of my best friends from high school bringing me a care basket unannounced or through my college friend group and I eating dinner together every night.
Even though most of Alderton’s writing is a reflection of her twenties, I am fortunate enough to be able to relate to what she has written. I continue to be surrounded by women whom I can count on. I believe that one of the truest forms of love you can experience in your lifetime is through friendships with women.
“I hadn’t ever thought that a man could love me in the same way that my friends love me; that I could love a man with the same commitment and care with which I love them. Maybe all this time I had been in a great marriage without even realizing.”
—Dolly Alderton
The Love you give to yourself
As a reader, you’re able to see the full timeline of Alderton’s journey to self-love and learning her own boundaries. There’s so much vulnerability behind her words. Alderton talks about how she sought external validation for years and didn’t realize how empty it left her feeling. She felt like she needed to act or look a certain way to be loved. One of the most powerful scenes in the book was when she left the bar after being the “craziest party girl” there and went home with a pit in her stomach. I find this incredibly relatable especially as a teenage girl because there is so much pressure to conform to these societal standards. Feeling like you are not that “it girl” is incredibly isolating.
Alderton discusses how she healed her relationship with herself through therapy. Everything about her was enough. She didn’t need to change any part of her to be worthy for anyone because she felt worthy to herself. The love that you give to yourself is more fulfilling than any other form of love you could receive.
“More often than not, the love someone gives you will be a reflection of the love you give yourself. If you can’t treat yourself with kindness, care, and patience, chances are someone else won’t either.”
—Dolly Alderton
Everything I Know About Love is going to be a book that I will reread many more times in the future. It healed a part of my soul and I hope it heals a part of yours as well.