March 13th was the day the world stopped, or at least that is how I remember it.
Gyms were shut down, restaurants turned off their lights, and I sat at my desk for one of the first times at my house to learn political theory, microeconomics, the history of nuclear armament, poetry, and much more. Alone. If I were to tell myself nine months ago that I survived that semester, two accelerated summer courses, and a fall semester completely from my bedroom, I would laugh hysterically. Nine months ago online classes to this extreme seemed so ridiculous. Now, it is a reality.
As a history major and political science minor, I realize I am extremely lucky. I am not taking organic chemistry like my biology major friends. I am not studying fluid dynamics or thermodynamics like our future engineers. I can complete a lot of my course load by myself, without too much stress. I can read a historical document anywhere, anytime. I don’t need to rely on complicated programming to get my work done…. well, mostly.
Despite this massive and clear advantage, I have struggled more this semester than I have ever struggled in my academic career thus far. Semester one I had a 4.0. Now, I’m not sure I am quite surviving. Every single day I look at my grades and feel pretty disappointed- how am I pulling 12-hour days, consistently, and still not achieving the level I know I am capable of? It is incredibly frustrating. I feel like I am dedicating every bit of myself to my school work, yet nothing is really coming out of it.
Am I even learning?
That may be the most disheartening part of it all. I hand in all my work on time and have somehow managed to never need an extension (although it is a good idea to advocate for yourself and you should never be afraid to ask). I go to all my lectures, I ask questions, and I participate as I normally would. But if we are being honest with ourselves here- we have not learned nearly as much as we would have had we been on campus. Sure, I can describe what the Justinianic Plague was, what happened, and what it looked like. But I already can’t remember its economic impacts and social reach. Those are important facts to a historian, yet my brain managed to information dump all the facts I wish I held on to. I can explain the origins of the conflict between Israel and Palestine but, despite learning about it only two weeks ago, I cannot completely remember the solutions presented to solve said conflict. Again, these are basic facts, but my brain absolutely refuses to absorb the information.
It is easy to beat myself up over this, but I have to constantly remind myself that there isn’t much more I can do. I am doing everything right but, shockingly, living through a global pandemic has turned my brain into soup. It is a little difficult to be at the top of your game when it feels like the world is on the brink of collapse.
Beyond this, I have noticed a common theme in the classes that makes me the most stressed out. This is an opinion a lot of my peers have expressed as well, so I think it is safe for me to assume this isn’t just a “me” observation.
Professors still aren’t getting it and, frankly, I am done explaining it.
Of course, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that some of the professors I have this semester are the most kind, understanding, and caring members of the UConn community I have had the pleasure of learning from thus far. Those professors make it all worthwhile. However, the select few that haven’t gotten the memo that students are suffering (both mentally and physically), ruin it for the group. I think this is the biggest lesson we can take away from these nine months so far- some people will rise to the occasion, change their plans, accommodate in the best ways possible, and show some humanity for their students. Others will not. Others will keep expectations the same or (from what I am experiencing) raise them, all while increasing workload tenfold. It is frustrating and some days I just want to tell them how stressed out they’re making me feel in a desperate attempt to crack their shell. But, at the end of the day, there isn’t much I can do. All I can do is my best, and hope that they will eventually realize how much work and anxiety students are drowning under.
I have been a Zoom student under a wide range of circumstances and have experienced a wide range of challenges. It’s difficult to keep up most days and honestly, I’m glad I haven’t flunked out completely. But this has made me a better student, a better planner, and a better advocate for students. This pandemic is awful. It has taken so much from us.
But it has also shown us how amazing we are, and how much we bring to the table every single time we sit down to do the work. This generation of college students will be some of the most resilient members of the workforce, and some of the most compassionate members of society. It’s hard now, but we are going to be amazing because of this.
Keep going, and keep reminding yourself that perfection is not the goal. You are the goal. Your happiness, your interests, your life. We all are students at Zoom University, but we are students for ourselves first.