Having been single for twenty-one years of my life, I have some experience in the game of singlehood. Well, I guess you could say I’m out of “the game.” Skip benchwarmer, I’m a bench-heater. I know that my relationship status does not determine my identity, but it is hard out on these streets to always be single. Here are a few things that we as single people are tired of hearing or are sick of dealing with.
1. “It will happen when you least expect it/when you’re not looking.”
Okay thanks I’ll just turn off my brain when I go about my daily life. And at this rate, I’m never going to expect it’s going to happen for me.
2. Feeling pressured to always look your cutest
Even though it’s probably not going to happen when you’re ~expecting~ it to, you have to make sure “the one” doesn’t miss you because you’re in your sweats.
3. Couples
They’re freaking everywhere. Class. The grocery store. Instagram. We know you’re not using your relationship to rub it in our faces but maybe you could just not.
4. Third-wheeling/fifth-wheeling/any kind of wheeling
It’s great that your friends are happy with their significant others and even better that they want you to all hang out, but being the odd one out in any situation is rough, especially when the non-odd ones are twirling each other’s hair and giving forehead kisses.
5. Having family members ask about the absence of a significant other
It’s Thanksgiving. You’re just trying to enjoy your mashed potatoes in peace. Aunt Helen innocently asks you if you’ve found anyone yet. You hold yourself back from lobbing a can of cranberry sauce at her head.
6. Making up absurd meet-cute stories in your head that will never happen just because you thought them into being
The guy who smiled passing you on the sidewalk is not about to run back to get your number or spend the rest of his days searching for you until you end up meeting in a bar seven and a half years later after heartbreak and daily wine nights, making the connection that, wow, you crossed paths once upon a time and were meant to be from that moment on.
7. You really crave cuddles
Physical affection is still easy to desire even when you’ve had zero to little experience. Having a hand to hold doesn’t seem like too much to ask for!
8. Feeling embarrassed for having your entire wedding planned
Flowers? Pink peonies, duh. Dress? Lace mermaid, of course. Location? Backyard of your childhood home, no doubt. Husband? Yeah, dunno.
9. Being told to just go for it
“Just talk to him,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather not embarrass myself into a long, lonely death.
10. Every conversation with a crush seems like a huge accomplishment
Even though you’re not necessarily “going for it,” it feels like you deserve a gold star and a happy dance every time you’re able to talk to that cute guy in your class without completely losing it.
11. Being told you have to love yourself first
Fun fact: I do love myself. That’s why I’m out here wondering where my mans is at. I am a damn catch.
12. Facebook sometimes makes you want to off yourself
Every time you log on someone new has gotten engaged or even worse — had a baby. Meanwhile, you spilled powdered sugar on your bare stomach from eating a huge bag of puppy chow.
13. Having lots of time to spend dreaming about the perfect man so that every guy you encounter actually seems like a sack of potatoes
When you have been single your whole life, you build up expectations so that when the (rare) occasion arises, you find yourself asking, “Is this it? This is what I’ve been spending my time hoping and praying for?”
14. Considering there could be something wrong with you for having been single for so long
But then reassuring yourself that it’s the rest of the world’s problem for not realizing how amazing you are.
15. Being told to lower your standards
When you’ve been single for too long, but you’ve had a few opportunities, people might conclude that you’re too picky and encourage you to settle on someone so they can stop hearing about it. Sorry, but no. I know what I deserve.
16. Being told that it will all be worth it when you find “the one”
Maybe, baby, but another night of eating a whole pint Ben & Jerry’s while crying at The Notebook could get to be excessive.
17. Actually waiting for “the one”
Where he at tho?