So, let’s say you’re sitting in class minding your own business or maybe scribbling some cute cuddle bunnies on the sides of your paper, thinking about how much you want to be absolutely anywhere but here when that kind of cute guy you call Hulk Hogan because of his very fit and swoll body saunters over and asks you on a date.
Your first reaction is to yell something witty and bold because that’s the sort of person you want to be, but instead you just quietly say yes. I mean, Hulk Hogan has a nice and angular face and probably lifts a weight every time he takes a breath of fresh air.
“What sort of date?” you ask. First, because he thinks he knows what humor is, he makes two misused sexual puns (oh, silly Hulk!), but then proceeds to invite you to a party for “the game on Sunday.” He is excited.
“What game?” you say. This is your first mistake and it’s ok. We all make it. Hulk will probably get offended, but don’t let that scare you. What?! He yells, frightening the students around you. Football, duh! Oooooh, you say, fooootballlll. He relaxes, but for a brief moment he thought he had been transported to communist Russia, a place where rabid wolves roam and football is against national code (ft. high school history teacher)
Hulk gives the time and place and wanders away. Now you’re in panic mode. Oh God! What the hell is football?! You want to impress this guy, and for the sake of you, you have no idea what to do with this sport.
But it’s ok! There is an easy 5 STEP PLAN for this exact situation. Fake your way through your first date and impress everyone!
STEP ONE- The Color (Wait, what team?)
A surprisingly major part of football is team spirit. And by team spirit, I mean the aggressive love. And by that, I mean people love their team more than they love their children. So, it is very important to find out what team Hulk wants to win. Or really, what color. Now don’t be daft and just ask “ehhh, now what color are we?” That’s just silly. You must pay attention to when Hulk screams in anger and when Hulk screams in happiness. It may be hard to understand, but if studying closely, you might be able to tell the difference. Go Reds!
*Note-Never yell “Go whatever team wins!” You will be promptly kicked out of the party. Also, what? Seriously? Are you in elementary school or something?
STEP TWO-The Other Team (Those F**king s**ting motherf**kers)
You need to destroy the other team. Plain and simple. There is no mercy. No pity. No kind words. Everything the other team (the blues!) does is blasphemy. Out of bounds! What?! Johnson is such a b***h! Go the other way! The other way! Cheaters! What cheaters! This game is bulls**t. Uggggg, blue team sucks.
*Note-Always laugh at Hulk’s jokes about the other team. He’ll appreciate it.
STEP THREE-Don’t mention soccer (But like, they don’t even need pads)
It doesn’t matter if you think some other sport is the best thing ever, never say it. You are at a football game. FOOTBALL. It’s fine to mention Tennis as like a hobby or how fun it is riding those golf carts around, but don’t you ever say soccer is as manly as football. Someone WILL throw their beer at the wall.
STEP FOUR-The beer (Can I just have some water?)
It’s called Miller Light. It’s called Bud Light. It’s called PBR. And it’s fantastic. Don’t you dare question it. Don’t you go and ask for a martini or a gin&tonic. The beer might taste like something found in a gutter, but just hold your breath and imagine it’s for the greater good. Because it is. Hulk will be so proud when you chug back a can to the sound of the Red team scoring.
STEP FIVE-The boy (Hulk Hogan)
The reason you’re here in the first place. He’s trying to impress you as much as you are trying to impress him. What a cutie. He flexes his biceps every time you lean on him and tries to be less crude than the majority of his friends. You’re starting to really like this guy. He’s so passionate about sports, and likes other things too.
I also enjoy football, you say as you take a sip of your Bud Light.
You guys have so much in common.