Alex Morritt said, “”New year—a new chapter, new verse, or just the same old story? Ultimately we write it. The choice is ours.”
Oh 2019, how you have changed my life in the most unexpected, but best ways possible. Last year I wrote an article about how I wanted to delete my Instagram and start over, and in this moment as I look at the 62 posts that encompass a different moment from the year, I realize how much I have grown this year.
In a sense, I didn’t just restart my Instagram, I restarted my life.
I have always been someone who hated change, spontaneity, and anything that I didn’t expect. But this year I welcomed it. I had spent all of 2018 in a chrysalis, working on myself, growing, and sheltering myself off from the rest of the world to work on being a person that I liked again.
In 2019, I jumped out of the shell that I was hiding under and I let myself be me. In a cheesy metaphorical way, I had grown into a butterfly that was ready to see the world again.
I wanted to live by the idea of investing in myself.
Invest in yourself and who you want to be
This year was full of firsts for me. I left the country for the first time, and then a second and a third time. I realized that I am most myself when I am surrounded by beautiful places that put my soul at ease. I love traveling to different places so much that I have accepted a 4 week study abroad program and a 2 week internship in Italy for the Summer.
I got eyelash extensions, moved to a new state for 3 months, and started taking more personal day when I needed them. I even went on a hiatus from my life for a while. In a way, to my friends, it seemed like I left all of them to be with my boyfriend because he lived an hour away and then I moved 16 hours away from them all Summer. But it wasn’t that. This year I needed to take a break from my life in Iowa because I felt bogged down by the weight of my past and I needed time to find me again.
My friends love to give me shit, but I tell them that it was just a quick vacation from my life, nothing against them; I just needed a sabbatical from myself, time to invest in me.
I truly invested in a life that I thought I would be more happy in. I spent $200 on a personal trainer, and while I epically failed at sticking to working out, it was a step that I wouldn’t have taken without the mantra.
While I spent time investing in myself, I also opened myself to investing in other people too. I fell so hard in love this year that it really took me for a surprise. While I found myself, I really found my person too and he makes it easier for me to see myself as someone worth putting time and energy into. *Not saying my self worth depends on him, just pointing out that it makes it easier*
Something that I really struggled with this year was thinking that I was selfish for some of the choices that happened as a result of investing in me. But what I realized was the IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH.
When people hear the word selfish they cringe as though it has a negative connotation. But why?
I used to spend so much energy doing everything for everyone else, to the point where I didn’t even recognize what I needed anymore. So I became more selfish with my time, my money, my love and everything else. And if im being honest, I am not sorry for it.
At some points I would use “investing in myself” as an excuse to not study as much or go get my nails done because I deserved it, which tended to bite me in the ass. While I should do something just because I want, I also needed to realize that I have to do a lot of tedious things like “adulting” to invest in my future self because successful people do things even when they don’t want to.
My selfishness allowed me to travel more than I ever have, land an amazing job at the law school that I love, and gave me a better indication of exactly what I want for myself in the future.
So what does this mean for 2020?
I want to look at this year as a chance to continue writing the story that I created this year.
I want to live by the mantra of “Stop Waiting.” I want to focus on my future because in one year from today I graduate. I want to change things that bother me and stop waiting for things to fix themselves. I want to stop waiting for good things to come and find them for myself. I want 2020 to be more about doing and taking action.
I will continue to be fearless in the pursuit of what sets my soul on fire.