Everyone knows you are supposed to say “thank you” when compliments come your way, but how many of us argue instead? It’s understandable to blurt the first thing that comes to mind when someone actually says, “you have really nice eyes.” Those awkward preteen years took their toll on you, and a few insults you received long ago in grade school can suddenly speed forward to the front of your mind. However, handling a compliment terribly can give off just as bad of an impression as handling an elementary school insult clumsily (side note—calling a boy “ignorant” repeatedly doesn’t stop him from teasing you, trust me).
Some example impressions can vary from “she is just fishing for more compliments” to “if she doesn’t think that about herself, maybe I shouldn’t either.” Of course you don’t want to encourage others think poorly about you, but sometimes that is exactly what you do by responding to your cute lab partner saying, “more like I have ugly poo-colored eyes.” Here are some ways to change up your reaction to lovely compliments to avoid being Debbie Downer or Snotty Susan (no offense to any gals with those names—they just fit the rhyme scheme).
Reactions to strangers complimenting you depend on what type of person is saying it. When elderly men used to compliment me on my smiles and eyes at work as a cashier, I responded as if I were a long-distance great niece—“Thank you, but if you look at register three, you’ll find the beauty of the produce market.” A nice old man was buying his peaches for the day and went out of his way to try to make a young girl smile. This reaction makes you the jerk. You should have stopped at “thank you,” but you had to keep going to get your two cents in. Next time that man waddles in with his walker, he’ll start talking about how you should be earning your “Mrs. Degree” to give you a hard time.
The good thing about strangers complimenting you is that it only lasts half a minute (as long as you don’t try to read your sixth grade essay on why you have low self-esteem). For those inappropriate comments that don’t seem to add up to a compliment in your mind (“do you get that backside from your mama, girl?”), it’s best to give a questionable, but quick “thanks” and move away from the area as if the compliment-er is about to spontaneously combust. That person can go back to imagining the world as a rap video and you can pretend something else came out of his mouth.
Sometimes the compliment isn’t inappropriate, but is quite random instead. When I was taking my usual CTA bus ride to work one summer, a thirty year old woman I had seen each morning for a couple months approached me one day saying, “those are really cute shoes.” I quickly said “thank you” and tried to search her outfit for an item I liked and added, “That’s a great necklace.” It was noticeably forced, and I think I might have insulted the woman for trying so hard (she sat further in back on the bus from then on). I felt obligated to offer a compliment in return, and it turned out to sound insincere to the other person. Instead of grasping for the first nice comment you can compile about the person, try giving a little tidbit of information back, such as “thank you. I found them at a small boutique Hollywood Mirror.” It feels your body’s need to keep talking (and gives some useless trivia) without making the other person feel awkward about a possibly fake compliment in return.
It can be more difficult accepting a compliment from a friend. You have a relationship with the person, so it’s easier to convince yourself your friend is just being nice. Instead of simply accepting your friend might be telling the truth about the perfect waves in your hair that day, you believe your friend is lying to make you feel better after bombing your last presentation. I happen to have a friend who insists on debating over compliments with me. Everyone knows she is pretty. She knows she is gorgeous, so it’s not a total shock that she can handle a compliment without question. However, she can’t understand why I don’t react the same way, and it upsets her to an abnormal degree (brought her to tears one time, literally).
She wants the ones she cares about to have the same confidence in themselves as she does for herself. When I insist she is wrong on the topic, it shows her that, not only do I question my own capabilities on certain aspects, but I might question why she believes in me so much. She ends up rethinking giving you some words of encouragement before talking to that cute barista at the coffee shop. The best response to a compliment from your friend is simply accepting it at face value. Sure your friends have your best interest at heart, but most of the time, if they didn’t want to say it, then they wouldn’t have even thought about it.
The hardest compliment to receive (at least, for me) is from a person of interest. That nice cashier who is a cross between Jake Gyllenhaal and Gene Kelly says, “you have a great laugh.” You smile gracefully and say, “not mine. I sound like the evil cackling queen in Snow White.” Moment ruined. Not only did you just show that cutie pie you aren’t comfortable with being different, but you also still have Disney movies at the forefront of your brain (a love for Disney Princesses is scary to guys, but that’s another story). If you can’t perceive your differences as testaments to your uniqueness, than why should he think you’re special enough to ask out for coffee compared to the next girl who will appear in ten minutes?
A simple “thank you” and smile could be all you need to radiate confidence and self-assurance. Guys are simple—confidence is always the number one trait they look for in a fun date. It’s easier to pass off light smiling, positive attitude, and good posture as confidence to a guy than it is to your friend of six years. So even when you spill coffee on your jeans in front of a crowd, laughing it off and asking for a couple of napkins can only help your appearance in front of that interested buyer (you being the product, in a totally feminist way).
The main point to remember is this person doesn’t have to say anything nice to you. This person can assume you already know that you have a great laugh (the type that makes others join in for no reason), a cute outfit (the type spotted with just the right amount of color) or really great hair (the type with lots of volume and some soft waves). By putting yourself down in a more serious tone, you make it alright for someone else to do the same to you.
Give yourself a little more credit next time someone finally acknowledges your amazing-ness. Don’t worry—I’m not just saying that because you’re reading this and I might feel obligated to end on a good note.