Coming from Boston, it’s my birthright to be snobby of tourists. I inwardly sneer as people with backpacks check the MBTA maps, I roll my eyes as their “picture moments” block sidewalks, and I hate giving directions. As such, on my spring break trip I was determined to look like a seasoned traveler when I got to The Big Apple. I knew shooting for a local or native was too ambitious, so I decided to settle for a frequent visitor. If you want to be just like me, follow these simple steps;
Step one: Pretend you know where you’re going
As you stride through the endless maze of streets with your Taylor Swift playlist blasting in your headphones, make sure to maintain seven feet between yourself and your family. Let them point out landmarks and say, loud enough for all of 32nd street to hear, “they don’t have THIS in Boston.” You’re different from them. You have direction and poise. You tilt your Google Maps instructions so that nobody else can see them, and when you have to do a spin to get the arrow to point, you do so with grace. When you board the subway and have to look out the window at every stop because you’re convinced this is the wrong train, pretend to be merely glancing in an artistic way at the tunnels and tiles.
Step two: Pass off your panic attack in Times Square as a main character moment
When your parents let you wander the city alone with the intent of shopping, stride off with pride armed with a tote bag and airpods. Find your way to Times Square and take in just how many people are there at once. Tourists, locals, creepy mascots that grab you for a picture, police, and thousands of others are all in one place. You cannot find the H&M and are convinced you’re not meant to be here. Your chest tightens and your breaths come rapidly, but you decide to just blast Harry Styles on your custom “New York Trip” Spotify playlist.
Step three: Break rules at the Empire State Building
Your mother put you in charge of purchasing the tickets for the Empire State Building. You felt like a contributing member of the family and like a grown up professional. It is only when you’ve passed through three layers of security and read all the warnings about suspicious activity that you realize the PDF only contains three tickets. There are four people in your family. You decide at that moment to not tell your mother until she needs to know. You scan your brother and mother at the same time and when a security guard calls you on it you pretend the PDF crashed and the guard gets distracted. You feel like a scammer. After you’ve come down from that glorious view, you gleefully tell your mom about your schemes. She hits you with her gift bag and informs you that you’ve lost ticket buying privileges.
Step four: Fail at shopping
Maybe it’s your Emma Chamberlain delusions or retail success at home, but you expect to find fashion gems in New York. You head to every name-brand store on the first day and spend your second day walking to every thrift store in Manhattan. You’ll end up buying black leggings and only tourist shirts. Not for a lack of trying; you’ll estimate over five hours were spent wandering from shop to shop.
Step five: Underestimate Harry Styles fans
As you quickly informed everyone during your trip, there’s a Harry Styles Pleasing pop-up shop in the city. While your family travels to see the statue of liberty, you embark on a pilgrimage for a tote bag or $110 crewneck. When you get there an hour before it opens, you imagine the line will be on the long side. Nobody prepares you for the MASSIVE line that takes you five minutes to walk to the back of. The girls at the front inform you they’ve been there since noon. You’re standing in front of a local farmers market- specifically the smelliest mushrooms ever. The girl behind you dressed in a Pleasing crewneck and Doc Martens informs you that “this line isn’t even that bad! Yesterday it took me four hours to get in! This will only take two and a half I bet.” You decide to bail.
Step Six: Heckle
After tapping out and announcing to the other teens in line you’re not a true Harry fan by doing so, you’ll realize your phone is on 10%. You’re so far away from your hotel- on the edge of Chinatown and you have no charger. You feel panic rising in your chest, but stop at an appliance shop across the street. When you walk in, you can tell by the cashier’s stressed posture that the language barrier is about to become an issue. Through a lot of pointing and patience on his end- you explain you need a portable charger. He hands you one and points you further back to another man who you have to pay. You stand near him as he argues loudly in another language with two other customers, but eventually he turns around and notices what an easy mark you’re about to make. He charges you $20 for a portable charger, but then asks if you have a charging cord. When you answer in the negative he gets a new one and ramps up the price to $26. You ask to only pay $25. You pay $26.
I highly recommend a trip to New York City to explore the concrete jungle, and if you follow this guide you will have the experience of a lifetime.