Too many women have heard those dreadful words coming from their present or past significant other. I know I have. Maybe you heard it on your way out for a girl’s night, maybe before you went off to college, or maybe it just sprung up one day during normal conversation.
“I seriously don’t care, it’s hot.” Yes, PLEASE continue talking yourself into a grave.
The problem with this all-too-common phrase is that it is rooted in sexism and homophobia. There is a population of men who feel like it is not cheating if their female partner hooks up with another woman, and I propose that this mentality is because the male partner doesn’t view same-sex hookups or relationships as “valid” compared to their heterosexual relationships. They don’t see a problem with their girlfriend kissing another girl because they are not threatened by the potential intimacy these people could share. The dismissal of the hookup is rooted in homophobia, and I believe that our culture’s incessant sexualization of women is one of the factors that lead people to come to this conclusion.
There was a trend on TikTok recently where women would act as female characters who were written by men. I saw videos captioned with “how I woke up if I was written by a man” where the creator would get out of bed with her hair and makeup done, in cute silk pajamas that clung to her chest and hips.
Or there was another video that demonstrated “how I’d come home from work if I was written by a man” with a creator taking off her heels and skin-tight work dress upon returning home. These visions of women are fake, and we all know it. I don’t wake up looking like a goddess, and I certainly don’t come home after my 6-hour shifts with perfect makeup. These images of women are sexualized, meaning that they are made to be appealing to men with no consideration for the realities of life as a woman. These unrealistic expectations are incredibly damaging for women and men.
A more clear example of how they affect men comes from pornography. Porn portrays completely falsified sexual experiences that influence how men and women view each other. Straight porn is a whole other issue that I might write about someday, but for my argument, let’s talk about lesbian porn.
Like those TikTok videos I described earlier, lesbian porn is a perfect example of sexualized images of women that are there for male pleasure. The problem lies in the portrayal of these same-sex interactions. Just because a man isn’t included in a scene doesn’t mean it was written for women. The narrow viewpoint these videos demonstrate and the consistent plot thread of ‘curiosity’ between the actresses make these very real relationships seem like something to get off to. Tell me why the actresses on screen spend time sucking off a dildo when the video is supposed to be for women. The excessive eye contact with the camera is there for voyeuristic men to picture themselves in that position. The men who consume lesbian porn are trained to view same-sex interactions as ‘hot’ and “sporadic,” reinforcing this sexualized view of women and of wlw interactions.
Lesbian porn isn’t possessive like straight porn is. Straight porn usually contains some jacked man using a woman for his own pleasure, and she is simply there as a tool. It is a dominance game, reinforcing this idea that men should claim their female partners against other men.
Lesbian porn does the opposite. If it sexualizes this experience as something that a man should find arousing, there is no threat and no need to establish dominance. It doesn’t count, because he gains something from it. If it doesn’t count on screen, why should it count in real life? And what if he gets the chance to watch? That is even sexier than hearing about it. It is a slippery slope, and hoping for the opportunity to see something like that can drive a wedge between partners.
The exhaustive sexualization of same-sex hookups reinforces the idea that women are sexual beings for male pleasure. It contributes to this unrealistic perception of women and to the very stereotypes that enforce internalized homophobia.
So if you have a partner who insists that it’s okay to hookup with someone of the same sex, explore their motivations for their perspective. We cannot assume that everyone has a proper understanding of why they do or think certain things, and while it is not your responsibility to change your partner’s mind, if you recognize a behavior that should be changed, speak up. Ignorance is the true killer in situations like this, and I believe a good partner would be willing to listen and hopefully learn from your understanding of how this phrase is inappropriate. Engage in a conversation on why this boundary is one they’d like to explore — and maybe give them something to think more deeply about.
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