RLCG Jacob Liverman:
Ladies.
There are times when the most perfect Halloween costume list comes around that can’t be avoided. This is not that list. It’s the list of Halloween costumes to avoid, and it’s the biggest favor you’ve received since Miller 64.
Before suffocating in how repulsed I am with the fairer sex’s Halloween choices, I’ll prove that I’m a credible source. Think of me as your personal Jack Skellington. I love Halloween. I carve the sh*t out of a pumpkin. My costumes are consistently spectacular. My favorite candy bar is Almond Joy, and they are always the last to sell out at CVS. So I’ve mastered this, and y’all need to listen up.
Don’t disappoint me this year. You are better than these. This is a love letter to Originality: please come back—I miss you.
1. The Cat: Girls, I know how much you love this. It’s your bread and butter. It’s your pizza and a movie. This, little kitten, is exactly why I’m here, it’s not cute. You look great, and it has nothing to do with cardboard triangles attached to a headband and that pipe cleaner excuse of a tail. But you just want to have a good time, right? Are you so incomparably unique that you are an asset to the party? Not on Halloween. Not in that. We already have one of you, and he sh*ts on sand next to the washing machine and makes the house smell like piss. Kitties, say at home, it’s going to be rowdy and you’ll dirty your furrrrr.
2. The Bunny: Unless you’re as clever as Buggs, you could come off looking like a porn star. That’s not special; it’s trite and frankly it can make you look unintelligent. I do like the excuse for tail wiggling, but I like it so much more if you look great and can still make me laugh and think how clever you are.
3. Crayon: Oh you bundle of colorful bandeau and skirt, I know exactly what you did. And everybody knows who you are. You are the girl who never see this brilliant holiday as anything more than a party. Some of us care, you know. I dare you, show me you can think for yourself. Double dog.
3a. Do that, be a double dog. That one’s on the house. Make it sexy, you’re a double-dog dare.
4. Devil: This costume makes me think of my priest and cry. Go naughty, just update it – accept a challenge. You’ll have more fun, and the party will thank you for it.
5. Schoolgirl: You are a schoolgirl. You’re not fooling anybody.
6. The morning-after girl: Like the schoolgirl, this is not a costume. It’s an event. You’re just inviting unreturned text messages.
7. Miley Cyrus: This is anticipated. The only exception is if you do classic Miley. Put a spin on it so I’m not immediately fed up with you.
In fact, if you happen to be plagued by unoriginality, try CatDog. Instead of Buggs, be Elmer Fudd. Instead of a crayon be Sriracha or a Hostess cupcake, or college-dropout, the Devil’s disappointed mother, the judgmental crossing guard, trash collector, the voice from Thriller (MJ errbody!), Carmen Sandiego, Star Child from Kiss. Put a little effort into your costume!
RLCG Ben Bosco:
My take on the trend toward skimpier costumes can be summed up in three words: I don’t care. If a girl (or a guy, I’ve seen both do this) puts on something very revealing and calls it a costume, more power to them and major props for being confident enough in your body to do that. If not, that’s awesome too, it gives you more of a canvas to create your costume on, and given the New England Halloweens’ temperatures, having a bigger costume will allow you to stay warmer.
That said, originality is a definite plus if it can work. If you keep it tasteful and imaginative, it should be fine. Try doing some atypical things, like dressing up as a male character (with facial hair or whatever), build a costume around a terrible pun, or whatever, just do something cool and have fun with your Halloween.
Enjoy the remainder of Halloweekend, Collegiettes!