My family was never big on talking about love or intimacy. I never really heard it growing up, and I never really saw my parents express it to each other. As a result, I grew up thinking that it was a “bad” thing to talk about and it was a weird thing to express affection. It’s not really the South Asian way to talk about feelings, so it didn’t even dawn on me that I could chat to my family or friends about feeling isolated and ashamed about a natural and biological process until high school.
In my small town, where nothing of great interest happens, everything that does happen is very interesting. Relationships, gossip, and when a girl-“lost her v-card”-scandals became headlining news to the point where even some of the teachers were squawking about it. Needless to say, it wasn’t a healthy environment for a sexually blossoming woman.
I was one of the few who made it through high school with my “precious” virginity intact. While I saw my friends getting in relationships and going on dates, I still didn’t feel confident enough to do it myself. And I think it showed. Not only did the lack of positive talk around the topic affect my ability to embrace that part of myself, but the attention it drew from everyone in my life made me want to crawl into a shell of celibacy and hide there.Â
Because of this, I turned to shame instead of learning how to embrace myself physically, and it messed me up. When I did finally start to explore my sexuality in college, it was very hard for me. I constantly suffered from mental blocks and struggled with constant guilt. I hated carrying guilt that wasn’t and isn’t mine. I wasn’t the one who planted these doubts in myself. This doubt and this shame were carefully placed into my head throughout my upbringing. Instead of growing up embracing my body, I grew up hating it.
Sex is not a topic often discussed, and I think it should be. I grew up hiding every sexual thought I had because I thought it was weird and abnormal. I used to write about it in journals I guarded with my life and I never once felt safe enough to even find solace on the internet, much less talk to anyone about it. When I was younger, I was more willing to accept the stigma on sexuality. I embraced it, without knowing why. Even now, I still struggle to deal with the residual effects of a culture that isn’t willing to accept not only female sexuality, but sexuality in general. By denying ourselves and closing off that outlet, we are removing an element of what makes us human.
Our sexuality is about self-love, self-confidence, and success in our relationships. It’s about seizing your sexuality back from the hands of society because it’s no one’s business what choices you make with your body except your own. I know for a fact that I’m not the only woman who’s struggled with opening up sexually, and each one of us has a different story. There is so much influence in our society that promotes diminishing a woman’s sexual desire into nothing but a label, and we teach women to be ashamed. I think progress has somewhat been made and we now recognize the problems with such beliefs, but we still are doing very little to act against them. I believe that our next steps are to throw convention to the wind and usher in an era of sexual and spiritual freedom.
You’re your own master and you can do what you please with your body, as long as you feel comfortable and do not harm anyone. So go on, have fun, embrace yourself, and love yourself. Be as sensual as you want. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just society trying to suck the fun out of it.
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