I first knew I liked women in the first grade when I developed feelings for a friend of mine that were different from anything I had ever felt before. The first time I identified those feelings as attraction was in seventh grade when I learned what being bisexual meant. To me, bisexual was perfect. I could like women while still feeling like I could fit in with my friends and enjoy the wonders of male validation. When I got to high school, I didn’t really pay attention to my sexuality or feel a need to come out. It felt like work, and it was easier to hide and fit in with the rest of everyone else. Even though I know now a lot of those people I was trying so hard to fit in with were also hiding. But by the end of high school, I knew that I was definitely into women. Whether or not I liked men was a different story.Â
When I got to college, I made a deal with myself. I knew that I didn’t want to hide anymore, and that I wanted everyone to know I was gay right off the bat. I didn’t want to have to “come out”. So, I started dressing and acting the part. I wore jorts, graphic tees, and a bandana. I got a nose ring and stopped wearing platform shoes and now I always have a carabiner. Everyone I met knew immediately that I was at the very least not straight. This also meant that men stopped looking at me, which I soon discovered I liked. I realized that I would much rather have male friends than have men like me. It just felt right.
More recently, I have started calling myself a lesbian. This has been a huge change for me. Up until this point, there was always an option of men liking me or me liking men, but now there is no chance of me ever being with a man again. This has allowed me to not prioritize men in my life at all. I am spending more time nurturing my female friendships, I don’t care what men think of me, and I don’t give them any attention. I have a few men that I am still friends with but I am very picky about what kind of man I choose to let into my life. Since allowing myself to identify as a lesbian, my relationships with partners have improved tremendously. I have been able to break away from a very heterosexual mindset when it comes to dating. This mindset includes having insecurities about who my partner is friends with, feeling awkward when talking to previous partners, and many other things. I feel like I am finally allowing myself to experience a lesbian relationship, and it is very refreshing. I have also found myself reverting to a more “feminine” style. I am still very androgynous, but I no longer feel a need to prove my sexuality through my clothes. I can wear what I am comfortable in and still not like men, and if a man were to ever approach me I can now easily explain that I am a lesbian and not interested, whereas before I would have maybe felt obligated to entertain them. Â
While I think it is important to remember that sexuality is fluid and can always be changing, it is also important to note that sometimes labels are a good thing. I was so scared to call myself a lesbian for fear that one day “maybe I will like men”. But I have realized since coming out completely that labels aren’t binding. Right now I have no attraction to men and want to be identified as a lesbian. In a decade, my sexuality may change and that is okay. I am allowed to identify differently depending on who I am attracted to in different eras of life.Â
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